cj

Insights
2003-05-01 19:27:12 (UTC)

a little irony is good for the soul

I find it ironic. For the first time in my life
beginning about a year ago I had been learning and
practicing allowing (but not forcing) the past to stay in
the past. Now for some reason my past (some good but
mostly pretty hedonistic)is of importance to a significant
other. While I don't mind letting him know all there is to
know about me. I feel like he probably doesn't know ME
enough to understand why I've made the choices in life
that I have. And to be perfectly honest...alot of the
reasons for the choices I made I just don't have answers
for. Mostly just immaturity. This leads me (of course)
to a little fear that he will make some judgement of me
based on my past actions and not my heart motives. What is
ironic? I never wanted so much in my life for the past to
be behind me....which it is...but in order for me to move
on. Now its an issue...after all this time...its a
fucking issue.

What I truly should be reminding myself is. If he can't
see the real me thru all my trials and tribulations
mistakes and faults...some my fault and some not...we
really don't have anything anyway. So why should I panic
so? Cuz I never wanted to keep something so desperately.
I already know I don't deserve him. This only perpetuates
my occassional feelings of inadequacy. Its funny that I
allow people to do this to me...but I don't really do it
to them. I don't think they should be judged based on
past wrongs or even rights. Today is today. Why can't
people just enjoy what is right in front of them?

baffles me.