Welcome to own demise
2003-05-01 03:23:45 (UTC)

you dont know me

you give ur hand to me, and then u say hello, and i can
hardly speak, my heart is beating so, and anyone can tell,
u think u know me well, but u dont know me....

i love that song. i watched my best freind's wedding
tonight, well most of it. i was watching it with my dad
and when he left to go get rewady for his date i just
turned it off.

im so lonely.

these days i feel like i have nothing.

all i have is myself.

im not trying to play the whole poor me card. i dotn know
whats happening to me.

it's like... no one really wants to be close to me

like i have no one.

i miss my brother. im worried bout him. he was my first
and only friend for ever, and now its like... hes just...
gone. he doesnt need me or want me in his life. and i know
it sounds like im talkin about a bf or something but i
dunno its hard to explain. he was my best friend, and now
itslike he couldnt care less bout me. if that heffer
breaks his heart ill break her legs. even tho i realize
through out our childhood i was playing the role of the
big brother, protective and concerned,and he was always
ashamed and embareassed by me, i dunno it was like... i
knew he was always there even if he didnt agree with me
about anything ever, he was still there. and now hes gone.
he couldnt even be fuckign bothered to see me once in the
6 days i was out thre.

i miss my sister. rather, i miss what could be. if that
makes any sense. i just want her to be happy and not have
to feel like shit the way i did when i was her age. 5th
grade was the begining of my living hell. i see her
slipping down the paths i took, giving attitudes,
secluding herself, focusing more on boys than important
things, and i mean i do that too, it is normal, boys r
great yea but i dunno ijusyt dont want her to feel like
she has no one. i want her to be my friend. i would have
given anything for an older sister when i was her age. i
had marie and anytime i could see her i like kissed the
ground she walked on. and the thing of it is, she doesnt
think she can trust me. and she thinks i dont love her or
care about her or mom, my mom and dad and her r the only
family i have left. these days my dad is more of a roomate
than a father, he dsays it himself. my mom is my mom, i
love her shes great, but she has her man and the sun rises
and sets with him when it comes ot her. all i have left is
gabi. and she doesnt want me. shes one of the few people
in the world that can make me feel like im absolutly
worthless. she thinks im obsessed with albert.

am i? seriously... am i? do i love him? of course i do. am
i IN love with him? or am i in love with the concept of
being in love? he was the 1st person im not related to, to
tell me im special, and talented, and great. and i see so
much good in him, i just want him to be as great as i know
he can be.... am i in love with him.... or is this just
another, tho an extreme case, of lucia needs to save the
world ? i want him to see me all dressed up and i need, i
NEED to look so amazing for prom, i dunno i dont wanna say
i want to make him fall in love with me bc i dont, i just
want him to see how lovely i can look. i want it to be
like a movie. i guess im just being my hopeless romantic
self again, but i dunno, i just dotn want him to forget
about me. i dont want him to find someone out there better
than me, i hate saying this bc i really mean it but, i'm
so good for him. it could be so perfect. "it could be
sweet" ohh portishead.

i just dont want to think ill be alone forever. i know im
young. i know i have my whole life to live. but i also
know, that life is damned hard when ur alone. he's
like.... my best friend. and i dunno i dont want to end up
like julia roberts in my best friends wedding, i dont want
to have to watch him marry someone that should be me. im
not saying i wanna get married tomorrow but ya know
what... i dunno im just so comfortable around him. hes my
best friend! hes one of my only friends. lately im
debating whether or not i can consider dave a true friend
anymore. hes been making me feel so uncomfortable lately.
i know he wants to get with me. but i dunno. he used to
sit there and tell me how awesome i am and how perfect i
am in every way and now its like... he just tells me how
bad he wants to fuck me. like i lost all apeal. and its
not like i wanted to be appealing to dave... i dunno its
just... if daves never had me, and thought so highly of me
and then lost those feelings and only thinks of me
sexually, what does someone who has.... had me think? i
mean could that or has that happened too?

i have to go clean these bad boys then go to bed. im so so
tired. life and love stinks.