Timothy

Jack's Twisted Kingdom
2003-04-29 08:24:50 (UTC)

thoughts of kristin


i read this off of a grrls diary i know of, and images of my
ex came flooding into my mind...

I always thought it was strange the way she said things, i
think now, i understand..

it was never about me...

but i never understood that...

until now, i'd thought it was about us...

now i realize, it was about her, but she would use the sames
words, only i don't think she understands them

she's used them before, with ivan i know...

i wonder if she still thinks the same way...

knowing her,

probably

but i don't begrudge her that

i never was very understanding

until after the end

when everything became, crystal clear


and i hated myself for hating her for hating us

and so i wept


now, i think upon these words

as a warning


to myself and to those i involve myself with


understanding and trust

are important above all else


listening is important as much

as anything else as well

-----------------

peace? no peace.

i am not a blow-up doll.
i am not an emotional crutch.
i am not here for you to be dependant upon.
i am not stupid.
i am not ignorant.
i am a person.
i have feelings.
i am entitled to my anger.
i am allowed to say no.
i am a woman who is capable of making her own choices about
her life.
i am allowed to yell and scream and get pissed off.
i am allowed to get frustrated.
i am allowed to vent.

more than all of this, i am a person. a human person. i
deserve, and will be treated with respect. i am more than a
maid, a pretty doll, and a comfort. i am all those things,
but i am more than that. i deserve love, and attention, and
care. i need someone else to sometimes be my maid and my
pretty doll and my comfort. i need to receive what i give.

i am not a toy.

if i feel like it, i am allowed to say "i need some time to
myself"
and it doesn't mean i hate you
or i don't like you
or i don't want you around. i means i need some time to myself.
i'm allowed to be frustrated, and it doesn't mean it's your
fault.
which i am entitled to.
which i do not ever get.

i'd go live under a bridge if it meant that i got a moment
of peace, but it wouldn't. i'm just going to listen to tool
and fume.

trapped.