My Gay Misadventures
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2003-04-29 04:16:50 (UTC)

Goddamnit Why do I keep misplaceing my soul

Welp. It happened again. My emotion state of being has went
numb and Wondered off somewhere. This same thing happened
On new years...Except I forgot what triggered it last time.
This time around, Its just built up peices of reality that
i refused to take notice until they all came together and
blew up in my face...I actually thought today I would be
healthy, merry, or dare I say, Gay (its orginal
definition)...I went to bed early the night before, I woke
up early (around 6am) and Took a long, hot, oiled, and
Aromatherapy bath...It was nice. It did wonders to my
complection. Anyway, I was feelin so Energized, I decided
to have a good ol' jolly wack off. That felt nice too.
Later, after cooking french toast and drinkin milk, i took
a nap...I began to have nightmares....A headache
formed...and I woke up...I drank S'more milk. Nappy poo
time again, and My headache went into a frenzy. I woke up
with chills, a migrane, and dizzyness...I should add, right
before i took the first nap, that I did some deep thinking
(this is where I was overwhelmed with the truth)...I
thought about my ferrets...Paul had released them because I
couldnt find the address of their new owner in time. Bit
was prolly roadkill...and Rikku...her fate probably took
place today...Then i remembering Paul saying he didnt care
what my feelings were when i complained...then Michael came
into my thoughts...I hadnt heard word from him in 4
days...He kept having dreams of having a 3some...he wouldnt
say who, and he IS bisexual...Then i what if he's been with
Mouse and Rolando this whole time (which he has been doing
a lot lately/ a couple, friends of his, m & f)...Then i had
a dream he did it...All this among other negitivity strung
through my thoughts...I woke up, ill. I rested all day, and
all of a sudden healed around 9pm. It was then, I relized,
I didnt care...about anything. I didnt care about Rikku or
Bit's death. I didnt care if Michael was cheating me on...I
didnt care about anything. I WAS NUMB! I guess i would have
been scared...if I possesed the feelings to feel so (ok,
that sounded weird) But, I dont like not feeling
anything...Im thinking about it now...and...I cant even get
angry...or scared...or Ugh!...Im just numb....Im not goin
to call michael again...I havent the will anymore. But I
need him so bad now, more then ever. If even for a moments
time, I need to at least try to re-emberce my Emotion. Heh.
How Ironic...He's just so happens to be a witch too...A
kiss from a witch, to Dispel my curse.