Pandora

My Life as Tragicomedy: Laughing Hysterically to Ward off the Tears...

27 April 2003
3:52 a.m.

I swear, I'm not interested in anything unless it's
destined to make me regret it. I guess men are like late-
night pizza for me. How awful.
So I told him how important he was and how much I'd
miss him not being around and stopped just short of using
the L-word. His response was something along the lines
of "Ditto." It's so far from what I wanted. But I suppose
I'm really not in a place to complain. Not only are my
feelings not the nature of our relationship, this is to be
expected from him. He isn't emotional like me. Or at all
emotionally expressive. He doesn't cry at movies or listen
to love songs at all. I'd like to chalk it up to being a
guy, but I actually wonder if he's ever been in love at
all, and I can't bring myself to ask because we don't talk
about things like that. I don't know if this is worse than
having fallen for the expert at making me feel like the
most important person in the world (all the while having the same
relationship with a few other girls). I can't remember if
that hurt more than this. I think it did, but there wasn't
this frustration.
And it wouldn't be so bad if I didn't sense his
impending smitten-ness (I'm so frustrated I'm making up
words) with that writer-chick. If he doesn't like her now,
(and I don't believe that he's as disinterested as he says
he is) he will. It's only a matter of time. And the more
she knows him, the more she'll like him. And while I want
him to be happy (if she makes him happy, he deserves every
moment) I'm not going to pretend it won't be a little
irritating to have to share him. And I'll be pissed if she
gets him to emotionally open up. Fuck! This entire
situation is bullshit. I did this to myself. And the whole
time I'm having to pretend I'm not in agony when we're
together. Laughing at all our jokes.
I'm gonna need to fall for someone a little more
convenient.