Diary of Stuff (Volume I)
2003-04-27 07:04:16 (UTC)

unavoidable consequences

Wow, I don't think that I've ever been this affected by a
musical group since first listening to the Cure, and their
Disintegration album..... For some reason, the words, the
voice, the melody, and just about everything else has cut
into the beating entity known as My heart, and left me
bleeding all over the fricking place...... It's almost
disturbing, in that I seem incapable of handling this
breadth and depth of emotion, but at the same time, I am
attracted to it, like a moth to a flame...........

I've always been drawn to the dark and gothic world of
cemeteries, of moonlit nights, of foreboding castles...
Hauntingly beautiful, ephemeral, ethereal, her soaring
vocals reach down into my chest and tries to pull out my
heart ...


I was at the beach almost a week ago, and the water was
warm enough this time to take a swim, and so I did... With
just my head above the water, I looked south to the
horizon, and just let the expansiveness of the sea take
over me......... Experiencing my insignificance was
exhilirating........ I imagined myself just as a piece of
driftwood, floating and bobbing. I dunked my head, and let
the waters completely engulf me, and felt at home once
again, as if I had gone back into the womb, where it was
that I started to live...... I was searching for a new
start on life, it seems, as every soul searching entity
knows..... The waters of baptism reflect this same
thought, as every spirit searching soul knows......


I mowed my weed garden today, yay...... Afterwards, we
went to Mass, and would you guess, it was about believing
in Christ through faith alone, how His message of
conversion of heart was at the heart of the Gospel, and not
about being perfect and sinless and obedient. It all seems
conflicting (daaaaannnggg, there she goes again, in
Hello ....) (uh oh, my immortal, sarah mclachlanish i would
assert) in that you must use your heart for only good, but
your mind in avoiding, pretty heady
stuff, actually.......... hehhehehehe

I've let my sons watch me play Quake I and II on the
computer, and am now starting to regret it, for I've seen
their behavior become less and less respectful, and more
like an addiction, an addiction to the adrenaline rush they
get from watching me I'll curb their appetite
for wanton destruction and violence, and let them only play
with tamer titles...........

My Last Breath, hell, is seductive at best.....sweet
rapture, it is...............