cj

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2003-04-26 23:14:24 (UTC)

the validity of fear

Okay...so this is why i don't like rollercoasters
anymore. The whole up...down thing is off my list of
things i really like to do. I am speaking figuratively of
course. I got all excited/silly/giddy last night, and
then you call today and say that wasn't you on the phone
last night and I can't help but feel a little dismayed
now. Who the heck could blame me for that? Point
being...if you don't mean it....DON'T SAY IT! I surely
wasn't fishing for it. So don't fucking set me up. It
makes me feel like I gotta protect myself now and you
can't have it both ways. I can't be both guarded and
vulnerable. Or maybe I should blame myself for believing
what anyone says when they are drunk. What happens to me
is...if I feel like I gotta put up my shield...it becomes
harder and harder each time to put it down again. It hurt
my feelings. So now I gotta sit here and debrief myself.
Not a fun feeling. Not a nice predicament to be put in.
I'd just rather you said nothing at all...than tell me
shit you don't mean or might recant later. You could
wreck me easily. Do it now...or don't ever. What a
downer. Now I gotta cry and its not a good cry...its a
confused/sad/I feel stupid and humiliated cry. :-( I'm not
pissed...just hurt...and I wasn't expecting it...so its
one of those bad surprises that I hate! Go figure. Does
this mean now that I'm being naive? Makes me question
EVERYTHING. If youre not you at any given time...tell me.
Spare me any grief that is in your power to do. It will
be much appreciated. Cuz that little fragile thing in your
hand right there...that's my heart. Be careful. Its
uncalloused. Its tender. Its real and its NOT a toy.
Handle with care.


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