all_that_i_have

heartsong
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2003-04-26 08:50:03 (UTC)

another

a friend told her today of another. a mutual friend said he
and his new favourite were doing really well. she's happy
for them, really she is. she's glad that whatever was
keeping him from having a real, lasting relationship is not
an issue this time. but...she wonders what was so wrong
with her. why this new girl is so different, why it works
with her. that's the second guy to make that transition. to
the same girl. "what does she have that i don't?" she
wonders. she doesn't want him back. she has her own new
favourite. the one she had before she herself was the new
girl. the one who forgave her for what happened that night.
the one who, for some reason, by some miracle, loves her
back. but still she wonders and it tears her up inside,
bringing all her barely hidden insecurities to the surface.
she wants to scream at her friend, yell to the world that
she doesn't care...doesn't want to hear it. but she can't.
she's over him. she's supposed to be over the whole
situation. and she is. mostly. until she thinks about it
and then she realizes that, even though she's moved on (and
happy with that), she's not really over it completely.
she's not quite over him yet. he was everything she'd
wanted - her dream made flesh. she knows it wouldn't have
worked out. she knows that. but she didn't get the chance
to find out. he figured it out in 5 days. it's been almost
5 months and she still hasn't quite caught on. granted he's
not around for her to get annoyed with but still...
it's ok though because although he was everything she
thought she wanted, she thought wrong. her heart belongs to
the one who is everything she thought she never wanted.
she's not sure how things will go with him in the future,
but she's glad things have gone the way they have in the
past. she's glad she's where she is. she just forgets
sometimes.


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