megan

listen to my silences
2003-04-25 18:43:35 (UTC)

motivation

oooh baby (oooh baby)
you're making me crazy (making me crazy)
every time i look around (look around)
every time i look around (every time i look around)
every time i look around...

don't ask, i don't know either.

micro-did you know your phone called me again today? and
you left a message that sounded like a bunch of just
noise. just wondering if you knew. it was kind of funny.

last day of work today. yay! it's raining. oh. that
will make the time go by a little faster since i won't be
wanting to be outside. yay! i'll be impatient because i
will want to be off of work, so the time will drag towards
the end of my shift. oh. but brandon's picking me up from
work tonight. yay! i have to get up at four-thirty in the
morning to get back to na. oh. i'm going to look all
cutsified. yay! i will be exhausted cause i didn't sleep
well last night and i won't get much sleep tonight (NOT
because of that). oh. i'm going to get to see my sister
off to prom (and she doesn't know it). yay!

k, nough of that. i miss the yay-oh book though.
seriously. right jamie? lol. good times good times.

i felt so loved yesterday cause i got a package in the
mail. not just mail, oh no, but a package. woo hoo! it
was great fun. from andrea, the preschool minister that i
work with at northside. i miss her so much. it was great
seeing her on sunday. she sent me pens and pencils and
highlighters and a thing that says class of 2006 (to keep
me motivated) and a ten dollar wal-mart card. so
technically it's eleven dollars cause i get a discount.
woo hoo! i don't know what i'm going to get with it yet.
i'm probably going to drag brandon through wal-mart with me
and pick something out. i don't know yet. or maybe i'll
just get food with it. food that i can't mess up. like
tostitos, salsa, and cream cheese. healthy, i know. but
it's um um good. and yeah, i shouldn't have it. i know i
know. grrr... so i don't know how i'm going to spend it.

i haven't memorized all of the cute things to say
but i'm working on it
maybe i'll master this art form someday
if i quote all the lines off the top of my head
would you believe
that i understand all these things i'm just

trying
to find my way
trying
to find my way
trying
to find my way the best that i know how

don't know exactly why that song is in my head. granted,
i'm listening to lifehouse, but usually it's just
background music and doesn't stick out. who knows.

had a big talk last night with brandon about college and
direction in life. i just...i'm so frustrated with
myself. i mean, he knows what he wants to do and when he
gets motivated he's going to do it. i'm motivated and i
have no idea what i want to do. i hate irony. i'm tired
of not knowing but i can't make a decision. cause i have
to live with it for the rest of my life. and i don't want
to be bored. cause if i'm bored i stop doing my best.
which is dumb and stupid but that's just how i work. i
would love to tour full time but right now that's not what
i'm supposed to do. how do i know? cause i don't feel it
pulling at my heart right now. not like it was. i still
want to do it, especially when i'm home this summer, but
not full time. my heart is pulling me to stay here and
figure out who i am and what i'm going to be. i just have
no idea. i mean, i can't even come up with a possiblity.
yeah, i've considered being a writing/creative writing
major. but let me tell you that there's not a whole lot i
can do with it that i would want to do. i'm just not going
to settle for doing something that my heart's not into. so
i don't know what to do. i have all this pressure to
decide. to have some inkling of an idea. and i'm tired of
saying "i'm majoring in i have no idea whatsoever".
granted, it's funny to hear and gets a laugh about every
time i say it. but in all honesty it's not funny. it's
really not. not for me anyways. i just...i'm lost. lost
in my own indecision.

refuse to feel anything at all
refuse to slip refuse to fall
can't be weak can't stand still
watch your back cause no one will

lifehouse still in my head instead of background music.

k well i'm out. i have homework and whatnot else to do and
then i have to go to work.

final thought: "i give you all six months"