OrganizedConfusion

Conversation Peace
2003-04-25 03:42:54 (UTC)

friends obsessions

Dear Journal,
Wow, this is crazy as all hell. I am going madly
insane. I will bet a billion million dollars Kelly has an
eating disorder. She has told me so much in the last few
times we have spoken that I could say she has one and be
85% positive of it. I could say that I have signs of one.
BIG signs of one, but I am not skinny enough to have one.
In fact I am the exact weight I should be, however I am not
skinny. I don't understand how that is but whatever. I have
a belly. I have gut. Whatever you wish to call it. Yet I am
average weight?? Yeah. Sure thing. However Kelly is the
weight of a person who is 5'3 and she is I think even
taller then I am. I am 5'7. There is a small problem there.
I noticed today that my scale is a peice of crap. However I
am not going to weigh myself on any other scale because
that would be like hell to know I don't really weigh what I
think I do. I know my scale isn't horribly wrong because I
weigh myself before I go to the doctor and it is within 5
pounds of their scale. However my scale now travles off the
0 mark and when you fix it, the moment you stand on it, it
goes back, because when you step off, it is no longer on
the 0 mark. I ate okay today, but I feel like a cow. I
almost went downstairs and rode the bike but I stayed on
the phone too long. I'd never fall asleep if I did when I
got off the phone. Today I had a PB&J sandwich when I woke
up. I slept REALLY late today. Then I ate dinner. I was all
good. No problems. I had a slight hunger urge so I ate this
little tiny apple and suddenly it was this huge hunger
urge. I would have been fine had it not been for that
retarded ass apple. So I ended up eating some cerial. It
filled me up. I had a peice of candy too. Two or three diet
dr pepper cans and one bottle of water. I don't know I'm
confused. I don't know if that is bad or okay. I don't get
it anymore. I don't want people to be like get a fucking
clue I am worried about you. There is nothing to worry
about, you hold no case. I am 5'7 and 140 pounds. Good luck
trying to call me fucking anorexic. It wont work. I don't
know if I ate too little. I think I could have skipped the
apple and the cerial. I would have been happy if I did.
That is still two meals for me. Now I ate three basically.
I want to be between 130 and 135. That is 10 or 15 pounds
for me. Also it will varey by scale, considering mine is
now WRONG. I want to get a tan. I am pale as all hell. I
hate it. I bet if I got some kind of tan, it would help
hide what I consider to be my imperfections. I don't care
if I appear okay to everyone else because it doesn't mean
anything if I hate how I look. I like a lot of things about
me. I just try and reach for whatever I can that needs
improvement. Nothing is ever perfect but what is wrong with
trying to improve on as much as you can? True some things
are wrong with me. My mental state is kind of iffy but I
can function okay. I dunno. Maybe I am crazy. I just want
people to kind of let me be. I am so frustrated right now
because I need to talk sometimes. Sometimes if I think, oh
I am so pale I need a tan, I just have to urge to say it.
If I can't say it sometimes I get annoyed for some reason.
What really makes me frustrated is when I say is and people
get incredably angry with me and argue about it with me.
Why not just let me say what I want, and do what I want. If
I become way too skinny, or start too. Then obviously there
is a problem. If I tan so much I turn orange then there is
a problem. If I try to lose some weight that I DON'T NEED
then there isn't a problem and don't freaking jump at me
for it. You have me scared out of my mind that I am going
to permanently damage myself. STOP IT.. OKAY I am rambling.
I must stop. Good night.
-- Allie --




Ad: