A Day in the Life of Me
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2003-04-25 01:49:59 (UTC)

Prelude to a heartache

How can you say you love me when you're not sure you know
And to believe that you are responsible for me and
obligated to ensure my well being becomes more absurd each
day. I was not born to you, am not accountable to you. All
is not okay, everything will never be fine. Thy life is
pledged not to me, but to another. For better or worse, in
sickness as in health, in good times as in bad- words poured
from a sincere heart years ago to an amazing woman, a woman
who is not me. Maybe she has changed over time and isn't
the same person you met back then, and perhaps my character
is as hers was a while ago, but that does not make me her.
I think you heard wrong, heard what you wanted to hear. I
don't believe that the Almighty on High would whisper to
you that my present and my future are your sole
responsiblity. Could be that you just want me to be happy
and sane for my sake and mostly yours. Perhaps my sanity is
your concern only so we can take a step forward back to
where we left off, even though I hate that place. Do you
care for me because of me or because of you? But I could
always be wrong. Maybe because I look up to you, am so
close to you, trust you more than I trust myself, He told you to make
sure I stay out of trouble.
Back to the beginning, the question of love. Uncertainty
abounds in the gray playing field. Why in the world would
someone like you ever chose to love and accept and wrap
your arms around someone like me? What do you have to gain
by it? Are you sure that I'm not just one of your fantasies
floating through life? I'm in this place for a season just as you
are. Time isn't forever, or at least here it's not. I trust
that you won't intentionally hurt me, and will never say
anything that you don't mean. But do you honestly, deep
down inside, in the depths of your heart, have you been hit
in your soul? Dost thou love me because of who I am, or
dost thou love me for what I am and what I can give? Always
room for mistakes and failures and misinterpretations of
truth. Just something I have to question.
Still not sleeping. Only part of the story has been told,
and none of the problem solved. I promise I'll tell you
this time.

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