xiaobaibai

penny for your thoughts
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2003-04-24 18:42:00 (UTC)

who am i? why am i?

am i just made up my name, my education, my hobby, and how
i treat other people? is that all there is to knowing WHO a
person is?

i hate it when people say im strong or i can take care of
myself. they mean it like a compliment, but i feel it like
some remark that says " oh look, she's someone who can take
shit, so it doesn't matter if we hurt her or break her
heart" im not strong. i think im the weakest of all my
friends. why? cos i cry so easily. im a stupid idiotic cry
baby who cries at everything. i cry when people critisize
me. i cry when they make me angry. i cry when they hurt me.
im practically a watering can, leaking every single place i
go. a dumb cry baby.

i use to be very nice to people. they can push me over
anytime. so why issit that people only think im nice when
they can push me over? why issit that i must rush forward
and do things for them for them to think im nice? or be
agreeable to do EVERYTHING they ask of me? darren had said
that i should be more concerned about him and his problems,
so does that mean i should have been more proacitve in my
caring? i should have sacificed limb and leg to show my
arduos and endless overflow of emotional support and
affection? but the fact is, half the time, i don't know
what to ask, or even say to him. he seems so unreachable
and untouchable that i feel afraid to ask, to say the wrong
thing. i just felt that the safest route to take out of
this awkward situation was to avoid the whole issue
altogether and talk about cheerier things. does this mean
im self centred?

when i think about it all over again, i feel maybe i should
have just taken the initiative and asked. afterall, i was
supposed to be his girlfren. and if i dun give him that
little bit of concern, then what the heck was having me
aroung for?

i don't want to be self centred. i want to be someone who
is nice, but only to people who have been nice to me. to
everyone else, i just want to be someone responsible,
someone they could count on to do things that NEED to be
done. do i really hold little regard for everyone else? i
don't bail out on my friends, i really don't. they all
matter to me. how can i hold no regard for them if they
mean so much? its just everyone else that don't matter. i
just dun see a reason or a justification to be nice to
them. no obligations whatsoever. don't say im self centred,
please don't say im self centred. i don't want to be, i
don't want to be!!


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