Infiniterocker

hello kitty cat
2003-04-23 19:39:57 (UTC)

it's too bad, I really thought there was more than this.

I have never met anyone who has consistently denied
themselves of happiness as much as Mike. I really had faith
that he was going to realize that it's so much easier to
let yourself go, and to be happy, than it is to keep these
walls up. But he feels that sad is how he is supposed to
feel. He feels that allowing himself to be happy would not
be "him"...when really it's the lies that take away from
who you are. Which he does all the time. When you lie, when
you pretend, is when you aren't who you are. When you make
decisions out of fear. Which he also does constantly.
Stephanie left John (the so called love of her life)
because he was spiritually dead. Because no matter what she
did to help him, he wouldn't change. I guess in this
society it's much harder for men to realize themselves
because of all the preconceived notions on how they are
SUPPOSED to be. It sucks because I also know what happens
from here. And I' am grieving over my loss. I really
thought that this would change. But it's not my decision to
make. It's not my life. He likes being dead inside. Or
thinking he is. He has no idea how rich he could be if he
just let the idea of him being "dead inside" go....he
misunderstands most things I say. I t just hurts to see
such a beautiful person go, because that's what I'm going
to have to do in the end if this truely is his decision. I
obviously can move on, but I am not going to deny my
feelings, and I am going to grieve over this loss. Because
that's what it is...a loss.