listen to my silences
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2003-04-23 16:33:46 (UTC)

can i just go back to sleep

guess what. i don't have a license or keys anymore. well,
i mean i have them, but they don't do me any good. why is
that? because my doctor told me i can't drive. because of
having the seizure and going to the er...THREE AND A HALF
WEEKS AGO. i've been driving for three weeks. and i've
been fine. but now i can't drive until i get back home for
good. i was supposed to get my car fixed from the wreck IN
DECEMBER when i got sideswiped by that tour bus, but guess
what. my car is in NEW ALBANY. hmm. does me a lot of
good now doesn't it. TRY AGAIN. and i found out that if i
have another seizure soon, i won't be able to drive FOR A
YEAR, AT LEAST. lovely. NO. DAMMIT! so any of you that
are pissed at me because i didn't come and see you or
avoided seeing you, it wasn't really anything i have
against you, it's just that i was/am REALLY UPSET. i'm
about to cry...AGAIN.

good notes about easter break: spent most of it with
brandon. it was/is cool. it's good. REALLY good. i'm
happy. SERIOUSLY. everything's just...different. a good
different. an AWESOME different. when i found out about
the whole no driving thing, i cried. a lot. WEIRD, I
KNOW. and i called him and he came and got me. and i
cried in front of him. WEIRDER, I KNOW. i spent all day
with him yesterday. he fixed me lasagna. it was AWESOME.
hey, somebody in this relationship has to know how to
cook. i burned MICROWAVE POPCORN for goodness sake! lol.
but it was cool. he brought me here since i can't drive.
and stayed. how many movies did we watch over break?
lol. saturday i went to madison to visit my grandma there,
since i hadn't seen her since christmas. took my bro with
me and then he and i went to the park and hung out like all
day. it ROCKED. we're like this *crosses fingers*. he
got me a dozen yellow roses for my birthday. it was like
THE sweetest thing EVER. on easter, you're not going to
believe this, i wore a skirt. and not just for church, OH
NO, but all day. he met my parents that night. they like
him. he met brodie on friday. so far i think he likes him
too. he can't give his approval right away. he told
brodie's opinion means the most to me though. so i
think/hope that brandon is willing to wait for his approval.

i'm so tired. last night i had a bad dizzy spell. i mean
bad. bad like i hadn't had since i don't know when. my
head was reeling. i think i know what it's like to be
seasick now. my ears were ringing so bad i couldn't take
any noise. or light. i took tylenol and it didn't help at
all. then i started hurting. i don't know what was, i
just hurt. my head is still spinning today. i've skipped
three classes. i only went to math and i'm going to
religion later. only because we have a test in there.
that i'm not going to study for. i can't. my head is
spinning way too fast. i feel like crap. seriously. i
just want to curl up and go back to sleep like when i was
sleeping last night. after i finally fell asleep.

thanks for keeping me in line with the whole not allowed to
drive thing and not having chocolate or too much salt. i
can do it on my own, but i know if someone else keeps me
accountable, i'll do a whole lot better. today, i've been
bad. i have already had two chocolate cookies and a
caramel cadbury egg. i know, i know.

L is the beginning
O is getting to know each other; noticing the little
things and being able to be comfortable, safe, and
V is believable trust and honest understanding; and knowing
each other almost completely
E is everything all together and wanting it to be all
together, forever; knowing that no matter what, the
relationship is worth it, whatever it may be; willing
to right wrongs and not walk away from each other


almost V

scared of V, because of how close it is to E

i'm not ready for the rest. you know that. and you know
why. why i can't look in your eyes when we talk about the
reason i'm not. why i don't want to shut you out but i'm
scared not to. i know i can trust you, but i'm scared i
can't. and you understand that.

if i look away, make me look back. if you persist, i will
look at you. because honestly, i don't want to look away.
it's just...i'm afraid you'll look away or want to look
away. just like when you leave evansville. you could
easily go back to na and call me later and tell me to
forget about it, about everything.

everything we've talked about, i believe in. as much as i
let myself, i believe it. i want that. just think, one
hundred two weeks and six days. lol. i can't believe it's
only been a week.

final thought: for someone who had so little sleep last
night, you certainly are awake this morning. LOL!