MeltingGummyBear

Character Building Gone Horribly Wrong
2003-04-23 14:21:19 (UTC)

Is it over yet?

Sometimes I find myself wishing I'd never really admitted
that I wasn't ok. Saying it outloud forces me to face it.
Although..I must admit things are getting better but at
the same time it is another demon I'm forced to battle at
least partially everyday. I want to go out again, but now
I can't. I don't want the feeling to pass me by so I just
wish it lasts for a couple more weeks until I have the
time to do what I want to do. I'm scared. Of the future of
myself really. I dove so deep back into my hole that I am
afraid I won't ever really come out of it. I am afraid I
might need it to live. I'll emerge occassionally, but will
I ever really be rid of that tendency to hide to just be
alone and pretend that nothing is really real? I've been
there before and I escaped, but I was like a junkie out of
rehab, the moment it was back in front of me I was too
weak to resist and embraced the cold lonely darkness
again. Even though when I'm with Joey I can escape. But is
it really escaping or is it just transferring this to
another way of running away. I'm not sure. I tell myself i
love joey and when I say it it feels right. When I'm with
him it feels right, when I'm away from him it feels wrong.
Is that what love is? or is that dependency. I struggle
with these thoughts I can't tell him. It would hurt him. I
can't hurt him..I can't be the one to hurt someone right
now when I still hurt so much myself. I'm lost again I
fear, but still focused. I still see one road. The road
through college and to a career, but I don't know where I
am while I'm on the road. I don't know where I'll be when
it's done. An unfamiliar town, with people I don't know or
really have the urge to know. But that's so far away. I
stray from the path now and again, trying to find the
other paths that are supposed to merge. Am I meant to see
those? Or am I just supposed to follow this one path and
hope that something with merge, that there will be a
crossroad and a traveller I can walk with. I just want to
know when all the confusion is going to end. I want to
know where I am, who I am, what I am, who I love. I want
the truth, but I still don't have it.




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