OrganizedConfusion

Conversation Peace
2003-04-22 03:06:52 (UTC)

Crazy Entry

Dear Journal,
Could this be an actual happy journal entry. Maybe?
Yeah I think it will end up okay. I don't know. Anyway.
Raaa I am bored. Maybe it was the mountain dew I drank. I
don't drink it a lot and I got a large with my number eight
from taco bell. Yum. Gordita. I'm going to get fat as hell
but oh well. It think I convinced myself that I'll be okay
as long as I drank water and I have half a bottle down.
Before I sleep I'll finish it. I don't eat real healthy but
I think it is kind of better if I drink water more often.
I'm crazy. My opinions on losing weight vary from time to
time. However I am kind of waiting until it gets nice out
so that way I can occupy my time in other ways aside from
eating. No that I want to starve myself. I think the less
food I eat the better, but it would never be to the extent
that I just didn't eat. At least not unless I go absolutley
mad.
So I am sitting here bored as hell. I was going to do
something with Mike today but as the day progressed it
seemed to me, it would have been better to just kind of
forget about it. I once again did not wish to mess with my
mother and instead tip toe around the issue by just not
asking. She said he could come over tomorrow so I'm happy
with that. Three months tomorrow. Gosh that is crazy. In a
month from today I will have all I need to get my licence.
In a month from tomorrow I will HAVE my licence assuming
everything goes okay. Tomorrow I drive for drivers ed. I
hope they don't make me park in a straight parking lot. I
can pull into those diagonal spaces but I can't park in a
right hand parking spot if it is those straight spaces. I
can park to my left pretty well though. Screw parking. Who
needs it.
I think this break was kind of gay, but it treated me
okay. Not too long until school is out. I applied at Media
Play the other day. I hope they hire me. I need a summer
job bad.
I have no clue why I am so high spirited today. I
honestly don't get it. I almost feel like a huge weight was
carried off of my shoulders. Okay here is a nice little
story. Not a bad one. A nice one. YAY! I was talking to Tim
online and he was all why don't you ever talk about Mike in
your journal. Well I was suffering from this feeling inside
me. It was kind of eating away at me so I kind of told Tim
that something was bugging me about our relationship. Well
Tim was all like, I felt that way too until I met Val. It
seems like he loves her a lot and they are perfect
together. It kind of hurt to hear that. It was like, am I
supposed to feel like he does right now. They have gone out
four months and they just like KNOW it is all great. Here I
am thinking about all of it wondering how everything SHOULD
be and if everything is going like it should. I don't know
I think up some crazy things. I think I was just worried
that everything was going okay. Like, almost as if, do I
like him as much as I SHOULD for someone who has dated
someone else for almost three months? Earlier in the day
all I was thinking about was how much I liked Mike and then
suddenly everything was in question. I decided to write
Mike an e-mail. I wrote a couple. I kept not sending them
and they getting mad at myself. So finally with my last bit
of energy left I made up an e-mail, and sent it. It wasn't
as great as what I had said in the previous ones but my
sister came home drunk, barfing, and asking for the phone.
I didn't really want to bug her, nor did I want her hanging
around me any more than needed. I don't really enjoy
hanging around her when she barfs. I used to have to sit in
the bathroom with her. ICKY!!
Well anyway he got my e-mail and called me and
eventually we got some kind of discussion going about it.
It didn't amount to a whole lot but he kind of got what I
was saying and I asked how he felt about it. He said that
it didn't bug him because I was just telling him how I felt
or something. That was all I wanted to do. I thought maybe
if I just told him all this weird stuff I kept thinking
about and what not that it would help me out. It is like
living with a deep dark secret. It isn't fun. I knew he
would understand. I didn't know if it would upset him
though. He is so nice. It is so awesome that he understands
things like that. I hear Robbie talk about how Jenna said
this or that to him and how hurt he was by it and blah blah
blah. I was afraid to say anything because I know if Mike
were anything like Robbie is about that stuff it would have
been this big huge issue and all this other stuff. Robbie
is understanding, he would have understood, but it just
would have been made into a big deal before it was dropped.
ANYWAY back on topic, I feel like crazily better now
though. It is like, after we talked, with as little that we
talked about it, I have no more doubt about it all. It is
like, I know everything is going great. At least in my
opinion. I missed him so bad today, but I'm back to how I
used to be about it all. I'm back to when I was completley
happy about things. I mean I think I've gone crazy. Maybe
it is too soon to tell but I think that was all I needed.
Was to say something. Something was bugging him today and I
don't know what. It bugged me so bad because I mean what
can you do over the phone to make someone change their
mood. I don't know. I tried but nothing seemed to work. I
felt horrible that I couldn't be there to kick his ass and
make him smile. Yeah I realise if I kicked his ass he
wouldn't be happy, but I just like thinking that it would
even be POSSIBLE to kick his ass considering I so much as
flick him and he could hold me back so I couldn't move. I
still have to get a reason for it from him at school
tomorrow. School. AAHH School sucks. We only have something
like two class days and one testing day I belive. Then One
day off. YAY! Hopefully Amanda will be in school tomorrow.
I have much to talk to her about. Her mom said she might
not be there though. If she isn't I'll call her after
school. MY BUDDY.. She has been gone all break and it has
bugged the hell out of me. I go to call her and I'm like
wait, no, idiot, and I smack myself. Kelly wont be back for
a while either. RAAA I am so angry at the traitor who left
me. At least I still had Mike.
You know what I don't understand. Yiff art. For those
of you who don't know what it is, it is like, cartoon
porn. I know some artist who are really good and you are
all happy because you like this persons art and then you
see a yiff peice and it ruins it. I mean artists can draw
whatever they feel. I just hope some of the really good
artists out there don't stop making what is in my
opinion "good" art. I am probably one of the weirdest
teenager you could run into too. It isn't like I don't see
it on occasion surfing through art sites however I think it
is so icky. It is like the last thing I want to see. I've
been sent icky pictures of naked men on occasion by friends
pulling evil pranks on me and it is like, AAAHHHHH. I hate
looking at that stuff. Ew Ew Ew Ew. I know I am crazy for
bringing this up but I find it soo freaking funny. It is
like. Someone drew a picture, and everyone is making all
these comments on it. I saw a small "clean" portion of it
but I KNOW what I will see if I look at any more of it and
like, I am curious because everyone says it is a really
good picture but I just don't WANT TO SEE PARTS OF IT.
Maybe someone can block it out for me. I am laughing at
myself so bad right now because of how sad this is. Oh well
NEW SUBJECT.
Anyway like I said. School tomorrow so I have to go.
Hopefully everything goes okay and I am not horribly sick
like I have been the past two days. There is a plus side to
this, a down side, and a god damn I am lucky side to this.
That makes no sence to you. I don't want to tell you about
it. I just felt like saying that. Because I can. And you
have to read it. Why are you still reading this? It is
pointless from this point on so stop. God damn you don't
listen well do you. Curiosity killed the cat. Wow you
pretty slow aren't you. I said STOP READING. Haha Okay I'm
gunna go. Bye Bye =P
-- Allie--




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