*MaNMaDeOFaSHes-

My Perfect Waste of Time
2003-04-21 08:16:54 (UTC)

I ramble on...

Just got home
went to see a movie, wasn't very good but I suppose I wasn't
really down there for the movie anyway. .. . . . . . . .

Drove home on tuolumne road for the first time since... . .
the last time... . Its been a while

flooded with memories

I feel strange now, and it is infact, scaring me.
Its not a bad feeling. Its actually a good feeling.
and so that makes me nervous.

How incontrol of my mentality am I really?
not as in control as one might hope.

and so...
another poem
more words
to hide behind... .. .


A life time of feelings
to be denied
to set aside
behind destraction
who is to say
I ever had them?
And Im now insisting
what I feel is not real

This is my subconcious resistance
my mind decieved
know no difference
and still I cant shake the feeling
from my weak mind
and old solutions would be to bleed them out
using a knife
but such useless destruction
no longer destracts me
and Im still confused
about what it is attracting me
or am I destracting me
from me
am I only trying to see
what I want to see
because I always thought we would be
perfect?

Its strange because for so long it was so hard
and then something clicked
something was lost
my shead my skin
through a loss of hope
a suffocated dream
and if I succeeded in anything
is was only something destracting
something I hid behind
and my concious awarness
was convinced at the time
now Im in chaos
internally scrambled
I dont believe this
could ever again happen

but nothing has changed
I have changed
but my old roots
my foundation
seem to remain the same
....

I keep ending the poem
and it keeps on going...

Okay I need to get out of this circle. Ive spun circles
before. Ive fought their momentum and now is no time to be
giving in. I can not let go. Time shows, and I will wait
on what I dont know. And I dont know anything. I am a
stranger who is bleeding. And my mind is needy. My
mentality is greedy. And Im begging for someone to feed me.
But I know this thought is not worth anything. I am just
another man.

However I am going to fuck gods plan. The natural order of
things. I have no fate because I can create what I want to.
and I know this decision of mine will make me fall. I will
bleed. I will struggle. but I will succeed, and I know
this is me. I am a writer. Not because I want to be.
Wants are as useless as all the money you throw into wells.
Or as useless as all the shooting stars you believed in.
All the people you never expected to be lying. wants are as
destructive as giving in. And so I want nothing but what I
am, is anything. And that anything is my futer. I am going
to be a writer. Its my only soarce of satisfaction. Is
there a point in knowing your beliefs. Can you save somone
if you are sure of what you think. Save people from the
lord. No, save people from themselves. From everything
they think they know. From what they have learned. And so
I see why some people do things, because they dont want to
disappoint their parents or friends. They dont do whats
best for them. But the person who always has to be around
you is you. And so we need to life for ourselves. And if
we have dreams, wake yourself up, and find releif in your
inborn potential. There is potential here. I have only
scratched my surface. And when I go and penetrate my
surface I will bleed my soul to the world. I will be god.
Because I believe.

I believe in me.....


so I changed topics quickly but I explain why in the first
part of the poem so perhaps you caught that anyway.
Feelings set behind destraction. Yes. Another line from
another poem, which was long ago but about the same person.

destractions used to desensitize feelings...

same idea, different ways to express it

I will express the depths of my soul
I will reveal myself
and anyone who is following me
will have no choice but to watch in horror
and I take on the unimaginable forces of the world
I will force the world to be my whore

perhaps I will even be the one that you adore

or perhaps I am no more

I need to stop thinking now...
so I will fall back on drinking....

chao.... . .

Gene





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