2003-04-21 08:02:45 (UTC)


for some reason, it is getting increasingly hard for me to
deal with the outside world. i have this problem, in which i
like to say what i am thinking, or feeling. i like to tell
the truth to people. i like to tell them what i think. but
sometimes i dont know what the truth is, i never do really,
and i am starting to fill up with doubt, about everything.
about who, what i am. i was out last night at the china
club. one of my grandparents tenents works there. and he
said something to me, at some point, i dont even remember.
but it made me feel he thought i was annoying. and a brat.
spoiled bitchy brat on a moral high horse. and ive been
feeling like a brat anyway, being sad about julie and rita
not being around for my birthday. i've been feeling lonely,
and lost, and sad. i went to sleep crying, woke up crying,
often yeah alcohol has a bad effect on me. bad drunk, but
that hasnt happened in ahwile. but i felt like i was fake.
like i have constructed this person, and its not even a
good, consistent construction. i am fake, everything is
fake. i think about myself falling, the sheer weight of my
upper bdy banging down on my knees, while iris talks to two
i remember crying as i was going to sleep. woke upin the
morning, and the feeling of pointlessness and hatred for
myself hit me over the head as soon as i entered
consciousness and i lay in bed, crying ang crying dozing off
and crying and i clutched my pillow and held it and talked
to it like it was chris. i tried to imagine him saying
things, the nice things he said to me. how beautiful i am
how highly he thinks of me. i tried to imagine my head on
his chest and feeling safe and not pointless and fake. i
think all that just made me sadder though. i think about
him, i think , every night that i come home drunk. im still
in love, with him. weird. everything, sinse i met him, has
been so weird. still is. thats another thing that makes me
feel like, ok well what the fuck is the truth. he treats me
like a dirty rag. doesnt call when he says he will, doesnt
clal back, makes plans and now he doesnt even break them, he
just ignores them. and i know we arent dating but being
treated like a person is always nice. he calls when he is
drunk. or in a good mood. and we talk, and laugh, and
everything feels the same . but i know its not, and it will
never work, or be good, and we will never get back together
and i dont even want to. but that doesnt mean i havent
started feeling lonely.
lonely. such a stupid feeling, and i went for a long time
without feeling it. but then i got a taste of what its like
to love someone and have them love you back, lost it real
fast, and started losing the ability to connect with my
friends, my family. i think i feel more alone then i ever have/
i think mostly though ,i am not sad. mostly im alright.
mostly i know ill be alright. sometimes i feel like my life
is just beginning..
im a snob, i am. a guy just im'd me. tells me he likes to
read. he says something about my bukowski quote and he;s
never heard of him. which is an immediate what the hell
planet are you on then danger sign. i ask what does he read
and he says anne rice stephen king dean koontz. ick. no
offence, but ick. i need educated men. i cant believe i am
judging someone by what they read. i think it takes a whole
lot to keep me interested. a person to connect with. a whole
its realistic thinking, not pessimistic, to think that i
wont fall in love again for maybe another 5 years or so.
so im just gonna try and not think that i am fake. try not
to start hating myself. try to remember people love me, that
i am a good person who likes life. faith.