2003-04-21 00:18:07 (UTC)

End of Spring Break, developing stories.

The developing story is that Karoline and I are completely
different people. I know that now. I have to call her up or
send her something with an apology.

I now realize why I feel depressed whenever I hang with
her. It's because all my friends are either wild (i.e
belief that drinking, smoking, doing illegal things, sex at
a too young age and partying count as fun.) or their too
mellow, and sometimes a little too boring for me. (i.e.
constant going to movies, parties consisting of board
games, or video games with people sitting around and
sometimes playing truth or dare or watching t.v. Most of
the time when a party occurs with one of these people it's
only because it's a birthday.)

The reason why I feel bad after hanging with Karoline is
because things don't go my way. Mainly the thing I want to
go my way is for her to do something to reassure me that
there is still hope. There are people in between. I guess
subconsciously I just really wanna know at times that there
are other polish people like me. The in between ones. No
sex, drugs, or illegal things, just fun as hell good old
fashioned fun. One doesn't have to smoke when they're at
bakers square just cause one has the craving for it. Cause
she's been doing it for 5 years and just quit. But that one
won't count. Especially since her last cigarette was 3
months ago.

That's what happened. That got me. It's like she crossed
the line, and I was yet again alone. There were like 8
guys, (my brothers and their friends.) and I was alone. She
is usually border lining being wild and being in the
acceptable middle where I am. When she lied to me and said
that she just wants to hold the cigarette lit because that
will calm her craving and actually started smoking it lit
my fuse. I didn't snap as much as I do at home. We went to
the bathroom where I realized that I demand too much of
her, and all my friends. She's right, I can't change her.
Maybe I should just not keep in touch. My world was a
brighter place when I didn't have to think about
friendships. When I didn't have to think about let's get
the car and leave the house cause we have nothing better to

Friday I really needed to get out. (Too bad I still can't
get the car for such a route.) I'll take it one step at a
time and eventually be able to get the car. The really bad
thing is that she had money this time. Normally the thing
with her is that she can't go anywhere cause she doesn't
have how to pay for it. I understand that. That's why I
say, it's on me, or you'll pay me back later. When you'll
be a pediatritian making the big bucks and I'll be the out
of work actress hardly paying my bills. (Unless my massage
things pays off. That crazy idea in the back of my head.)

I think this is the part where I lose my point. So bye.