neverthesame

forever changing
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PropellerAds
2003-04-20 09:55:45 (UTC)

more or less

i am pretty sure my insomnia is back, more or less, what
has brought me to this conclusion is the fact that i am not
able to fall asleep befor 2 or 3 in the morning and this
started again a few days ago. last night i was sleeping,
well trying to at least, on the couch because my uncle and
aunt and their daugters were in my room and i could not
sleep it was about midnight so i wnt out on the porch and
stared at the trees, the sky, the deer(they must have had
trouble sleeping too) and i was just out there thinking and
i didn't come to any conclusions i didn't have any great
ideas and i wasn't trying for any i was just thinking and i
thought about a lot of things, most of which i can't
remember at the moment because my brain turned off about
five hours ago, but i do know that i felt at ease, yea i
still couldn't sleep, but i felt calm and not stressed and
i had almost forgotten what that felt like. for a while now
there has always been something goin on something i had to
stew over until i could figure it out or fix it or do what
ever i needed to in order to make it better and i have
finally said you know what, screw it all let it fix itself
i am just goin to let go(wow i hav ebeen saying that about
a few things lately)
i think that i really needed that time to realize i don't
need to know what is goin on i need to just relax.yea i am
a "young adult" and i need to have responsibility in my
life but i aso need to be able to relax because i am just a
teenager. i am only 16 i am not ready to take on the stress
of the world i feel like i need to run away and hide
sometimes. i really jsut want to run around and play like i
used to whaen i was younger.
when i was out on the porch i was reminded of when i was
younger i used to sit on top of a huge rock that was in my
back yard and i would sit up there for hours and just go
through my imaginary life, the life i wish was real, the
life where i was the beuatiful girl with lots of friends
and a nice simple family, the life where the boy of my
dreams actually liked me and did not end up leaving for
some nto quite explained reason or anything, the life were
i livd happily ever after and all was well, true my life is
far from what i had in mind but i really wouldn't trade it,
well except maybe the drama, but besides that i am more or
less happy with my life, i have friends that i know i could
not live with out, my family is at one of its high points,
(and not stoned high, except maybe my brothers) everythign
seems ok. i am not sure how long it will last before the
next stone sends waves rippling through my life but hey i
think i will be able to cope. . .
i hope


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