all_that_i_have

heartsong
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2003-04-20 07:11:07 (UTC)

an obsession

she thinks of nothing else; each action is taken with
timing in mind; her whole day is planned around that one
thing...him. getting to talk to him. she wakes up (earlier
than necessary, mind you) knowing that as soon as she gets
out of the shower she will go turn her computer on and
there he'll be, hours ahead, ready for lunch. they'll talk
for an hour before she has to head to work. once at work,
she'll turn her computer on so they can pick up where they
left off. some days they can talk all day, until her
classes start at either 1 or 330, but most days he has to
leave in the afternoon for other job sites. on her walk
from classes she contemplates calling, usually deciding
against it bc the walk is short and it gets really noisy
when she gets to the street. she gets home and goes
straight to her computer to check if she's gotten a message
or email from him. she sends him a text message before
fixing some dinner with her roommates. after they eat, she
calls him. if she doesn't get through, she half
concentrates on her homework, waiting for him to call her
back. they talk for a while and when they say goodnight,
she feels the same emptiness everytime. the distance is so
hard. but she loves him and the naive romantic in her makes
her believe that love conquers all. so she continues half-
studying until it's time for bed. just before she crawls
into her bed, she writes an email to start his morning
with, making sure that she lets him know she misses him and
just how much she loves him. she then turns off her
computer and gets into bed, wishing he was there to sleep
next to. a few hours go by and she starts the routine once
again. always the same. and yet she doesn't want to do
anything else. she's fallen behind in her correspondence
with other friends bc she doesn't want to write or talk to
anyone but him. if he's not online, then she usually isn't
at her computer either. if it's around the time he usually
calls she stays off the phone until he does. she's never
been anything but a homebody, but has become more so as of
late. she doesn't want to leave in case he tries to get
ahold of her. "you're so pathetic!" she screams to herself.
but it doesn't matter. it doesn't matter that she has
always hated ppl who act like this, that she vowed never to
end up in the same situation. nothing matters; only him.
she knows she needs to get a grip. but a grip on what?


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