ftrestarr*

Insane in the Membrane
2003-04-20 04:30:41 (UTC)

The decision....

Once again this entry has been dedicated to my dearest guy
friend. I have been thinking of the posibiliteies of saying
that I DO have a problem with Cece and him. He asked me and
I said it was fine. But, I find now that I was only trying
to be nice. I can remember talking to Arri (scarecrow in
the wiz of oz @ school) that she told me to go for the I'm
fine with it. I remember that it was cuz at the time it was
cuz I thought he had done it to make me mad (which he had).
So now for the decision. I've been concidering what the
cause and effects would b if I told him her or me. What I
mean by that is being her boyfriend. Or being my best
friend. I need to think of reasons y cuz incase he's smart
he'll ask. Now 1. She's not right for him. If you'll read a
former entry, you'll find the explaination to that
statement. 2. He's trying to figure out if he really DOES
like her. If he's got a decision, sure it's cruel but it'll
force him to choose. And therefore, it will tell him a lot
about himself. I can't think of 3. it's in my head but ya
know it's just hard to write down on paper or in this
entry. I dunno. Part of me loves him the way a g/f would.
But once again, I don't love him all the way a g/f should.
I'm pretty darn positive that it will decrease before it
will increase. The way I feel for him is.....(refer to
another entry). I know that I can't lose him. He can't be
taken away. After all that has ben said and done, we're too
close to loose each other. I wish that I could say all of
this to him, but he's not all there with me. I'm not saying
that I'm smarter or more mature. NO not at all. I'm just
saying that we both have a different train of thought on
this. I think that if I told him all of this, he might take
it as an, " I can't lose you ~as a friend~ therefore let's
hook up, I LOVE YOU." What I really mean though is that I
love him as a family member, and that I will not lose him
over some stupid girl. It means that my feelings are more
then a girlfriend, they're feelings of protection. LIKE A
FAMILY MEMBER. I mean I look out for him like my brother
looks out for me. He's like my sibling and I try to protect
him and guide him. I don't think he'd comprehend that
clearly.....I wish he wasn't all the way in MAUII! gosh,
this sucks. I want my best friend (besides O) back. Without
a girlfriend. So that we can stay close. I think I'm being
stupid and selfish. I don't know what I wanna say ne more.
It all comes out very wrong. It comes out like I don't want
him to be happy, or like ne thing. Like I want to preserve
him for myself and not share. So, I guess what I need is to
talk to him. That's that best thing to do right?. Well, I
better go. Hope life turns around the way I want it to
soon. Cya on the flip side.
~Cassirole




Ad: