My Reality
Ad 2:
2003-04-20 03:01:12 (UTC)

Things that matter...

YOu know you grow up all of your life with certain set
ideals for what you think should happen, how it should
happen, the correct way to do things and then you grow
up....thats a big mile stone, one day you wake up and bam,
youre an old fart...god im only 20 and i honeslty feel
like an old fart...inever really grasped the idea of when
you knew or whne you decided that you were grown up, i
just think it kinda hits you..for me it hits me in random
spurts....i just suddenly see clearly and can realize what
really matters and what doesnt...i can see that i no
longer have to look hot just to go to wal mart, i no
longer really give a damn about guys who think im fat,
fuck them, they dont deserve me anyways, i no longer need
the high fashioned clothes, i dont think the world will
judge me on whether or not my belt matches my
shoes...working a regular job that makes you sweat a
little is really ok, its not beneath anyone...i want to be
a waitress and thats college is not for
people who just cant afford a real college...i dont need a
title to know that i love the man who once was my
boyfriend and i dont need him to tell me he loves me for
me to feel like he does...these are the things that really
matter, i dont need my parents to love the man i bring
home, i care about him thats what matters, i dont need my
parents to support everything i do, i can do it on my
own, i dont need my parents money, i can have a job and
an apartment and go to school and live a perfectly happy
life, i dont think that the dollar general is a place i
should have to hide my face to enter, i now show off my
stuff with honor and brag about the price...i dont have to
say exactly how i feel about everything, somethings are
just better left unsaid...knowing when to keep your mouth
shut is really what matters...having sex doesnt make me a
bad person...finding other men attractive when i am in
love with someone is completely ok, even though i have
problems with it i know its normal...panicing, its who i
am, and realizing that its a part of me and thats its not
going to go away is horribly important...i just have to
accept that sometimes im a little nuts and sometimes i
literally drive myself crazy with worrying about my life
and how its going to turn out, but i think that is the
most important thing you can realize, finally seeing that
you cant make your life what you want it, it will make you
what you are suppose to be is what really
matters....knowing that i can try and plan the big stuff,
but the small shit is just too unimportant and trivial to
bother with, so be happy, be patient, and stop planning
thinsg because it causes more heart ache than good...i
never planned to not be dating the man that i want to be
with, i never planned to waste two years at college doing
something i hate, i never planned to meet a man who would
treat me like shit (PRESTON!!!), I never thought that i
would be so ok with being chubby, i have made major
adjustments with that one, i never imagined i would find a
man that would actually fulfill that silly little list you
make up when you are young of characteristics your ideal
mate would possess...but i did, realizing i dont have to
shave my legs every day, forgetting to pluck the eyebrows,
crying on a regular basis, theyre all ok...having faith in
myself, knowing i can do what i want, even though its
gonna be tough, seeing that i have very little control
over my life in the grand scheme of things, knowing that
most thnigs in life are gonna pick me not the other way
around, that matters...growing up you think you know
everything, you have everything picked out planned out
polished to a tee, thats what matters to you then, but
when youre grown, trying to avoid a life that is that anal
is what really matters!!!