Shandielly Harshy

It's good to be bad, if it's bet
2003-04-19 16:12:02 (UTC)


I found out a few days ago that Samantha(from Montana)
had her baby about 2 weeks ago. I guess I should have
assumed that she had already given birth, seeing as how her
due date was the 5th of April. But I didn't really think
it would happen, as dumb as that sounds.
It's kind of strange to think that she went through
that and I didn't even know about it. See, we stopped
being friends around October. We had a fight that just
kind of was the final straw for both of us. We haven't
talked since. But when we were still friends I had
promised her that I would be there for her every step of
the way.I was even planning on being iin the delivery room
with her, holding her hand and mocking her, saying "no, I'm
NEVER having kids!" It was this inside joke that we had.
But I wasn't there. This is the first huge thing that's
happened since we ended our friendship. I don't know why I
care so much about this, but I do.
I guess our friendship was kind of like a
relationship. I mean, even though we were so horrible to
eachother, I'll always care about her and wonder how she's
doing. Even now, I miss her calling me, complaining about
how she can't decide whether to break up with her boyfriend
for her latest crush or just stay with whomever she was
with at the time. You'd think that I would be happy not to
deal with that every week, but I miss it. If you deal with
something like that routinely it becomes a part of you, and
that's exactly what it did.
So now I'm wondering how she's doing, I wonder how
she's dealing with this new baby. I wonder if I ever cross
her mind. I still worry about her. I heard through the
grapevine that she cheated on Kyle at least once while she
was pregnant. When I found out, I wasn't pissed because
that was slutty of her, I was pissed because I thought she
should have been taking better care of herself. I also
found out that she took her baby to school to show
everybody. That sounded typical of her, and it pissed me
off, but then I realized that I would have done the exact
same thing.
I'd like to think that I hate her with a passion and
don't care what the fuck she does anymore, but I know it's
not true. If I didn't care as much as I claimed not to, I
wouldn't put so much time and effort into talking smack
about her. But we're two different people now. I don't
call her when I get laid. She doesn't call me when she's
met somebody new. She'll never hear the details of my life
again, and vice-versa. I'm never gonna see her baby up
close, I'll never babysit him for her, and Zerrick is never
gonna know who I am. I hate to admit it, but that makes me
See, Sam had this addictive personality. It didn't matter what
she did to you, or what she said (either behind my back or to my
face), I always forgave and forgot. I realize now that I was like a
little abused pet. No matter how many times I was kicked or beaten,
I still ran back for love. Than god I'm not like that anymore. I
took control. I decided that my friendship with Sam shouldn't be a
tragedy, but a learning experience. And I did learn. What doesn't
kill me can only make me stronger. She taught me to be a fighter.
I know that, unlike me who will always remember
this, Samantha's tears of pain and loss dried faster than
her nail polish. She just ran out and made a new best
friend like she always said she would. It bothers me that
I can be replaced that quickly. I could have done the same
thing, but I decided that this time my friends wouldn't
control my life. I wouldn't let them hurt me the way she
did. I wasn't gonna be the bitch anymore. And ya know
what? I did it. I found a best friend worth of my time,
energy, and tears. And the best part of it is that Kelly
doesn't make me cry. And she even TRIES to make it look
like she cares about me. I got lucky this time. The sad
part is that I'll be leaving her behind in about 7 weeks.
But if I can find the right person in this little shit
town, I'm sure I can do it in Kalispell.
That's all for now, peace out nuggas!