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Insights
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Ezoic
2003-04-18 18:14:38 (UTC)

RECIPROCITY cont...

There seems to be the battle between the black and the
white. The gray area is that which we all long for. The
gray area is the place where love is composed. I will
hereto refer to the white area is the longing for the
affection, the love, the connection and the oneness. It
is the desire unfulfilled. It is the object not yet
obtained. It is glorious. It is the passion that drives
human creativity and musings. It is the electric and
sometimes eccentric desire for filling. The black area
would be the withdrawal of the affection. It is the love
lost. It is the deep wounds of the heart that also
inspire creativity and provoke motivation. It has been my
own personal experience that when love fails it is all
that encompasses me. I am wounded and yet my wounds make
me aware of my own existence. I am still alive if I can
hurt. The same is true for the longing (white area). The
love pursued and desired is such an intense condition.
There is the force of a thousand armies behind one heart
who seeks to bestow its riches upon another. Finding a
gracious recipient is the goal. Finding a passionate
return is the pay off. Yet if love is an emotion which is
movable and inconsistent why do we seek love to begin
with? Is it that we long for the end result that will most
likely be the after effects of love lost? What objective
could there be in the desire for such pain? Pain reminds
us that we do exist. We can feel. Pain provokes us to
survive. Maybe we pursue love and all the plethora of
emotions that go along with it so we know we’re alive.
The bible says God is love. It also says God is
life. Therefore love must be synonymous with life. So I
must conclude that life and love are the same. To love is
to live. To live is to love. Yet when I look around me I
see so little love. How can this be true? Maybe life is
not what I see either. Maybe all that I see with my
physical eyes is an illusion. The energy of life never
dies. Life energy is only transferred from one place to
another. So what happens to the love when a man says he
doesn’t love a woman anymore or a woman says she loves a
man no longer? Where did the love go? Or did it ever
really exist? Was it a fleeting, passing emotion?
I recently was reading Jean Paul Sartre’s
philosophies. In a chapter on emotional consciousness he
talks of the processes of our perception. He talks of
seeing a bunch of grapes he desires to eat. When he
realizes he cannot reach the grapes he makes a quick
decision in his mind that the grapes are too green and
therefore not worth the wanting. He says, “too green,
which will resolve the conflict and suppress the
tension.” Do we later rationalize in our minds that
there must be some defect in the object of our affections
when love is unrequited? I do believe we must. The
reaction of finding faults with that which Sartre says is
causing tension relieves the suffering. I do see that we
do this. Sartre says, “ I confer magically upon the
grapes the quality I desire.”
In my attempts to explain the thud, the sudden and
almost spontaneous pangs of anguish and anxiety that
strikes me when I think of love I come up with only one
real beginning of a revelation. Humans change. Our
thoughts, our emotions, our perceptions of love are
inconsistent. They change with the tides of external
forces. We feel loved when all is full on the outside.
We feel comfort when our surface needs are met. At least
for a time we do. When external needs are met we revel in
our accomplishments with a feeling of satisfaction. We
need nothing. We “feel” full. Yet inevitably for me even
when all my external needs are met there is still
something lacking in the deepest part of my desires. The
gray area that I would say I fear and almost loathe is the
place where I feel the needs are met. The quest for love
is accomplished. Yet why do I still long for the black
and white. Even against my own judgement of what is
rational and true I long for the times when I feel the
most, when I long the most and when desire is at its
fullest potential. Can it be that love is not something
external? Sexual desires, companionship, common
interests, attraction and admiration are all external.
The flesh is determining the course in these matters and
not the heart. I am beginning to believe that though we
speak of the heart in many instances we have rarely been
in touch with what it truly is. If love is immovable and
constant it would not be steered by these forces. Love if
truly acquired must exist on all planes. It must exist in
the wanting (white), the having (the gray) and the loss
(black) simultaneously. Yet when we chase after what we
perceive to be love we are chasing after the wind. We are
chasing after forces that will change and leave us
bankrupt in the end. We are tossed back and forth like a
wave upon the sea. The turbulent forces of emotions take
over and peace eludes is. We are once again a slave to
the changes that will inevitably come. But what if love
is not moved by its surroundings? By my perception love
must be more than a fleeting whim. It must be something
that never changes. ....to be continued.


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