OrganizedConfusion

Conversation Peace
2003-04-18 04:39:01 (UTC)

I didn't finish this one..

Dear Journal,
It's been a while. I need to clear my mind. I'm not
going to bother with deatailed explaintations of what is
going on in my life. Screw it. I just need to think
straight. My mom and dad don't love each other. At least
they carry on a love/hate relationship. Something I don't
consider true love. I've know it for a while. It shouldn't
hurt. Why does it? My mom gets angry. She wanted so much in
her future and there is no one there to give her the white
pickett fence she always dreamed of. She feel
unappreciated. She is angry and full of rage so she let it
out this week. Wait a minuet. So am I. Does that make me
wrong for being angry back? See I am already getting
somewhere. I am going to talk my way into another fucked up
hole that leads straight to "hey what was I thinking, I'm
sorry you guys, I should be more considerate of you all and
not get shit back in return". I get shit back. I get money
clothes. I am not poor. Well define poor. I have a lot in
life whether it be payed in paper or plastic. I have it
made. All anyone ever wants for me is a good life. I mean
that is how our family got in this shithole anyway. No one
knows what the right thing to do is. We all see eachothers
faults, addictions, and depression. We all just watch
eachother like lab rats waiting to see who ends up more
fucked up than the other. That's okay though because that
is life. Right? Of course it is, or God wouldn't have made
everything how it is. Some day I am going to wake up and my
dad will be dead because his liver gave out or something
dumb like that because he drinks himself dead on the
weekends and is on a constant buzz the rest of the time. I
don't know how I would live without my dad, even though I
wish he would just leave sometimes. I remember being in the
hospital room watching my grandpa die and my aunt holding
his hand and crying while he lay there. The whole time he
was trying his hardest just to move his eyes so he could at
least see us, but the pain meds fought aganist him and all
you could see was the whites of his eyes rolled back in his
head. It was the saddest sight I ever saw before in my
life. I didn't cry. I just watched everyone else around me
cry. Most of all I watched my aunt cry. I thought about how
it would feel to be her. I thought about what would happen
if it were my dad sitting there. I know I wouldn't have a
will to live and that the guilt built up in me would drive
me insane. I don't want to think about death. I want to
think about now. I no longer want to battle my mom. I want
to avoid confrontation. I would rather be their slave then
be as angry as I become over the little things that annoy
me. It is either let people walk on me, or snap. If I
thought I had the power to change I would. More dreams of
perfection, and more hopes that if I do this little thing,
everything will be okay just a little longer. I'll see you
later, sort of.
-- allie --




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