EmptymeOut

bundles of inadequate thoughts.
2003-04-18 00:43:04 (UTC)

spike.

spike is the name of my cat. the cat i hate. the cat that
has fleas. the cat that is scratching and meowing at the
window to the right of my head right now and wont go away
for the life of me.

i had a dream i didn't know who the father of my child was.

if i weren't pregnant right now i very well could be lying
dead in a gutter somewhere. if i weren't pregnant with
jordan's child right now i very well could be pregnant with
some confused drug addict father who i wouldn't even be
involved with exept for that one night i was a little low
on drugs, and felt some good sex would do the trick.. and
possibly score me more drugs. what im saying is that if i
weren't pregnant with jordan's child right now i have a
99.9% chance that i would be worse off times 25 billion
than i ever could have been. if he loved me like he says he
does he would be happy i am not there, and i am here with
him having this child. pregnancy saved my life, and for
this i am so proud with what life decides. if i am happy
with this, then anywhere else i would be he should be too.
if he loves me, why would he not want this, and not want us
to be together instead, therefore...me being somewhere
rotten. cold. discusting. discusting.

it just dosn't make sense.

i had a dream i didn't know who the father of my child was.

i feel...alone. depressed. unfortunate. confused. scared.
sad. confused. scared. confused. scared. confused. scared.
scared. scared...because i spoke about my feelings and how
they might be after this baby is born. i spoke about me
doing drugs after the baby was born. i cried. i cried
because i was thinking what if that really happened. i
would lose him. i would lose the child. i would lose
everything. i dont want it to get to that point. i am so
glad i know what i do. i am so glad this happened. i really
am. no matter what happens, it will all be worth it. no
matter what happens, i will show him the love of life.
fucking commie.




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