cj

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2003-04-17 19:05:52 (UTC)

on crying yourself to sleep and other unpleasantries

One of the things I hate more than anything in this world
is to be misunderstood. It matters little whether the
misunderstanding is my perception of a misunderstanding or
is actual. It all dredges up feelings of inadequacy to
communicate...and that for me leads to feelings of the
fear of false accusation....the mother of all my fears.
And this...I am going to try to explain for the first
time. Take it all with a grain of salt. I claim nothing
here to be a fact.

Its a fragment of a memory really. I dunno if its true or
if my creative mind made it up to fill in the blanks.

I was small (maybe like 5-7?). Anyway, I was at my
aunt's house in Florida. I was playing on the floor with
my uncle in a back bedroom with legos. I had shorts on.
He stared at me alot in sort of a drooling manner. He
always stared at me as a kid. He always told me I was
pretty and that I had a beautiful voice. He looked at me
in a way that I was not accustomed to feeling at that time
in my young life. I didn't understand this as a child and
it made me feel like prey. In this memory(?) he put his
hand shyly down my shorts just barely brushed his fingers
softly over my hairless private parts. I didn't
understand really what was going on except that my
stomache was churning like a sick/aroused feeling. The
memory skips over to me being led out of the room toward
the kitchen. I can see myself with my head
down....feeling embarassed, ashamed and confused. My
mother and my aunt were in the kitchen. They were
chatting away. I wanted to cry so badly still not
understanding quite why. I sort of remember going up to
my mother and telling her in her ear what had happened.
She turned to me,smiled and said something like....oh,
sweetie, you miss understood. That wasn't anything bad.
I think I hated being a female in that moment. I knew no
one would ever understand. I certainly couldn't make them
listen or articulate well enough to make my point. So I
sucked it up like a good little girl. I went on. I held
it in. I trusted no one.

I cried myself to sleep last night...deeper than I have in
a long time. Combination of things really....tequila,
headache, misunderstanding (which lead me to this fear of
losing you :-( ), the stress of a gathering in which I
pretend to be your plutonic "friend") That last one is
something I just have to avoid from here on out cuz it
just hurts really badly for some reason. I don't know how
to deal with it until I can be open about the way that I
feel. You know what I mean.


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