Jules420

The Adventures of Jules Santana
2003-04-17 13:37:35 (UTC)

What You Know Good?

I was just sitting here at work and out of no where I
thought of someone who has had a profound effect in my
life, someone who showed me love beyone love, the first
uncondtional love knowing about my sexual preferences,
someone who told me before I even knew, that it was ok and
that I was still a great person and had a good soul.
Someone who brightened up the room and your life when she
walked right through the door...My Aunt Steph. I don't
know if I've ever written about it in this journal, as I
have made so many entries, but she is no longer with me.
When I first went away to college she was
murdered....actually now as I write this, I remember that I
have made an entry about Aunt Steph. But mainly this isn't
going to be a sappy I miss you type of entry, but just a
happy-I miss you-life would be so much better if you were
here- type of entry. But she always used to say to me when
she saw me (after she demanded her hug, which is actually
what affected me to the point that it made me ok to show
physical affection), she used to say to me "What you know
good?" and I used to always sit there and look at here
like "what the fuck does that mean". It actually just
meant what's up? but still it was just a really pleasant
memory that just came to me and I felt I had to write about
it, at least to preface the rest of this entry.

Last night I got online to write an entry which was totally
uncharacteristic of me because I only usually write these
when I'm here at work. But last night something happened
that made me take a serious internal look within myself and
quite frankly I didn't like what I saw. But I think it was
meant to be that my computer froze when I was writing and I
lost that entry because I was being totally vague about it,
and not expressing myself to the fullest because I was
afraid of what I would discover, but regardless of that, I
feel now I should name names, and call it all out. Yes
Wanda may read this, hell maybe one day a million people
might read it or watch it made into a fucking hilarious
movie, and maybe at some point Orlando will read it too,
but I must say and confront my demons. I have a seroius
problem. A problem that makes me jealous and makes me feel
like I have ownership over people. Yesterday I totally
felt like Jesse from the movie Poetic Justice (starring
Miss Janet,of course) and in the movie the owner of the
hair salon (Jesse) is trying to console and bring
everyone's spirits up and then at some point when she sees
it's not working so well she says "What am I supposed to
do, be everybody's momma? Shit I got problems of my own"
and that is how I trully felt. I mean yesterday Orlando
decided that he is going to probably drop out of school and
try to take some time off, but Orlando is a very vulnerable
and emotional person, despite his size and strength on the
outside. So I was his rock yesterday, there for him,
despite the messiness and frustration and problems of my
day. I just felt he needed, and Wanda of course, well the
usual stuff for her to call me and all that and I
listened. But yesterday when I called Wanda on my way home
to talk to her, and try to have an ear to listen to me, it
just didn't work, and I felt totally abandoned. I felt
very alone. Then when I spoke to Orlando later that night,
I thought I would get to spend the night on the phone with
him and all, but he then tells me how Bob (who I love,...as
a friend) was going to drive out to Cheyney and pick him up
and take him back to Lankie to hang out and chill because
he needed a pick me up. Now this just hurt my feelings so
much. I mean I feel like I wasn't good enough to make him
feel better. I felt like I wasn't enough to lift him up.
I felt like I wasn't enough to talk to and all. I mean I
know its probably foolish, but that's how I feel. And who
am I to get mad at Orlando for actually having some
fun...and having it without me. I mean I got to Wanda's
house all the time during the week and smoke weed, have
some drinks, or just hang out. I go to dinner with her,
she's my girl, my rock, and who am I to get an attitude for
Orlando having someone who can do that for him. I just
feel inadequate and it has nothing to do with him, but has
everything to do with me. What the fuck is a boy to do in
this situation. Maybe I need to get a new therapist here
in PHilly. I mean it is covered on my insurance, and it's
been a good 4-5 years since I saw one. I mean I think I
just need someone out there to talk to, that I can be
wrong, and selfish, and express my twisted thinking and
ideas and paranoid delusions of myself and friends and what
others think of me. We shall see. I mean hell, maybe I
should just print up all the entries of this journal and
take it in a book up to the therapy session and give him
some background info for the first session and see how we
should progress. I don't know. Who does nowadays though.
I am blessed, I have great friends, families, and loved
ones , so maybe I'm just a stuck up spoiled ass bitch like
some people have said before. On that note, I'm gonna
bounce and be out. OOOH i think I am going to be getting my
car in a couple of weeks, that's exciting.

Dust




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