Paranoid

GrassAttack
2003-04-17 05:07:04 (UTC)

i think its the truth.

bradd was upset today, a mood change. when he got off he
said something like, i wish i had a gun to my head, or
something close to that. then he was all like, i still wove
you. god, i was so frustrated and upset. and i still havent
broken open the flood gates... heres what i wrote back and
all that email correspondance shit:


what a lovely way to leave. you know what, one day youre
going to be sad and youre going to say that, or something
like that, and im going to call you. im going to call you
and ill be crying and youll be embarrassed and ill be
embarrassed, because hopefully youll still be alive and
talking on the phone.and THAT will be our first real
conversation.

you know what, i want to be with you. very, very much.
but you cant come here. to oregon? no way. and i cant come
there. at least,not for a year, two at the most. i hate
oregon so much, and for you to be here might make me hate
you. no, it wont. but itll make it harder for me to realize
what i really want to do with, my life. i want to get away
from this place. you should go to california. i think thats
where im starting out. and eventually, ill move away. to
the south, to the east. maybe to europe. my biggest dream
was always travleing. although i dont see where im going to
get the money. i dont know what were thinking, were only
kids. it seems to me like were dreaming to big. im going to
think aboot all of this. you should too. oregon sucks. you
shouldnt have to endure it. think aboot this and talk to me
aboot it.

i wove you.

love always,
aleesa


Dear Aleesa,

I wouldn't feel embarrassed if you called under those
circumstances, I'd
just feel like any asshole, which is exactly what I am. So
if Oregon sucks, and
is boring or whateva, I belong there, or somwhere else that
would further my, as
the head dr. put it, "clinical depression", but I don't
think that I have that,
what do you think? And, I guess, I'm still alive, so I'm
still breathing. I
hate California, I can't be there, and to go along with
that, I'm tired of being
alone. It sucks, but I guess I deserve it. Maybe I should
just stay here, and
continue down my current path. It'd suck, but if you don't
want me to come to
Oregon, I won't. And if not Oregon or Southern Washington,
I'm not moving west.
Durn, I guess I still have 8 months to decide what's gonna
happen for the rest
of my life. Either way, I wove you.

WOVingly Yours,
Bradd

Dear Bradd,

im still listening to hoku. its relaxing me a little.
both my parents are here, and jeniffer. my mothers friend,
and our neighbor. i cant stick around here for much longer.
i have to get throught these next eight weeks so i can earn
as many credits as possible. i have to have ten next year
to get into pcc, or any of the other programs. i cant slack
off. i need this to get away, if i go to pcc my credits
will double and i can graduate faster. and ill have a job
already, so ill have some money. im trying to get
emancipated so i can get away. my mother knows. she thinks
i wont be able to do it. she doesnt know how much i want to
be away from her. him. them. and once ive proven myself
before the judge and have everything in order, im gone. i
want to be some place warm. i dont want you left here, in
oregon. i want you to go where you really want to go. i
cant tell you where to go or what to do, and i cant say if
my plans will come true. but if they do, where is that
going to leave you? are you going to follow me around? what
if i do end up in cali, and i really like it there. i want
you to be happy. but i want to be happy too. i want to be
free. im just worried that if you come here, that it will
be for the wrong reasons. make sure they arent. i wove you,
and im in love with you. im pretty sure youre a friend for
life...

love always,
aleesa

one more email to him then im going to bed. i told him id
try to push him away. i told him i didnt want to, but its
what i do. god, why?

im going to tell him how much i wove him. how i dont know
what id do without him now that i have him. maybe one day
ill tell him i love him. i want this to be serious, and i
dont. im still a kid.and im trying so hard to grow up...




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