Kinarra

Diary of an American Witch
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2003-04-17 02:01:20 (UTC)

What she taught me today II

She taught me today that life can't always be good. And
that an emotional high can't carry you through the rest of
your life, so you have to learn how to accept, and deal
with negative emotions.
This is step two, I guess.

It's not like anything bad happened to me today, aside from
driving almost all the way home with the parking brake on,
but, if you recall, each morning, durring my meditation, I
ask the Mother what she is going to teach me today. It
just so happened that today, I was faced with a negative
emotion, and it sort of put a hole in my peaceful state of
mind.

I dealt with it, at least partly. This is the kind of thing
that is going to take a while to work through. I have to
look at it, piece by piece, and resolve each issue on it's
own.

The emotion? Hate.

I was having a nice, soothing meditation, when all of a
sudden, a thought of Jamie surfaced, and it wrecked
everything. And I felt this surge of hate because it seems
like I just can't get rid of the bastard. (Direct quote
there)

And then I took a breath, and realized that it has only
been about two weeks since I found out about what he was
doing, and only a few days since I offically broke up with
him, and that I needed to be fair to myself, and allow
myself time to deal with what had happened, and to heal
from it.
The anger I had was not actually hatred of him, but me
being angry with myself because I couldn't immeaditally get
over him, and put him out of my mind. It seems like a race
sometimes, who can get over who the fastest, and it's just
not healthy.
The truth is, I think Im angry at myself, because I can't
be angry and bitter at Jamie. I know, it's wierd.

What I mean is, Im not angry, or bitter twords Jamie, in
fact, I wish him well.

Oh, sure, Im angry because of what he did, but not because
he has found another, and moved on. I hope that this is
the one for him, and that he is happy, and findes peace,
because that is when he will begin to heal, and grow. And
Im mad at myself, because I can't summon up any hatred, or
jealousy. I know, it does not make much sence, but it is a
stunning insight into my own mind.

I have said before, I can't stand to see people unhappy,
and I always felt like it was my duty to heal Jamie,
somehow get him to trust people, and not to be so bitter
and pessimistic, and I guess it always upset me when we
broke up that he didn't have anyone to help him if I wasn't
there. But if this girl is the one for him, then she can
help him to heal, and I don't care if it's not me that
helps him, just as long as it is somebody.
And that's why Im not upset, that's why, no matter how hard
I try, I can't hate him or be jealous.
And I guess, I feel like Im being robbed of those ex
girlfriend privilages, and that is why Im angry.

Wow, I just went back and re read all of that, and you know
what? I have a twisted mind.
Im mad because I can't be mad? What the hell is that?
Not being full of anger, and jealousy is a GOOD thing! It
means that I have finally let go, and letting go is a good
thing too.

Wow, I think I have just moved on.

Go figure.

Happy thinking,
Kinarra.

p.s. After careful consideration, I have decided to post
my web site here in case anyone is intrested. Among other
things, this site is a free forum for writers who would
like feedack on their work. If you look at the pictures, I
m the one with the short blonde hair, and the brown
rectangle glasses.

http://groups.msn.com/TheWhiteTavern/_homepage.msnw?
pgmarket=en-us

It's called The White Tavern because it was founded by me
as a meeting place for my friends who are Robert Jordan
fans. He is a great writer, and one of the major places in
his books is The White Tower. It's a little play on words.

I thought it was funny.


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