cryingcountrycowgirl

Lost and Searching
2003-04-15 21:02:38 (UTC)

Well Shit

Nothing has changed the couple of weeks, same shit but
different day....still haven't talked to my mother or other
family and i feel for the first time in my life
happy....careless, and free......no one has been around me
to nag me about dumb shit...i haven't seen anyone do
something stupid to have to hell at them....its like a
weight has been lifted off my shoulders...as for taking
care of myself well that could be another issue...it seems
that when i do sleep its only for short periods of time and
i wake up not for sure really what it was that woke me
up....it is like there is this feeling that something is
wrong but then it does come to me in the end...i am sick
and dying.....after i finally realize that that is what is
waking me up i can normally fall back asleep but by then i
am not sure what the point would be to get more sleep...if
i am sleeping then iam not doing something and that time
that i am sleeping is getting away from me...i do not want
to waste anymore more time that i possibly have to....i
want to be awake......so then by the middle of the day i am
ready to crash and burn...which my afternoon naps are
really nice.

Its the nights that i dread coming...because when i go to
bed i go by myself...lately have been keeping the light on
so that i am not totally in the dark...the light reminds me
that i am still alive..