steph

displaying my utter contempt for myself
2003-04-15 00:31:51 (UTC)

I hope I die. My life is..

I hope I die. My life is already over. Coming into that
realization was amazing. Everything has lost all meaning.
it's amazing how significant the insignificant can be.
You can lose a sense of yourself. Once you get yourself
back, you are overwhelmed by a self-loathing force. It
takes you over, and with in time, you will find your own
name disgusting. Imperfections will eat at you. You'll
waste away. Frusteration defeats all else and being with
others becomes impossible. They think I'm repulsive. I
think I'm repulsive. To take the pain in a different form
write messages deep in the flesh of your hatred. The
feelings will subside for a while and the rush you get
while watching the blood rapidly coming out of the wound is
fanominal. everything seems so trivial. for that moment you
are in control. All feelings of contempt have been
released. Everything that has once seemed so dismal is now
renewed, replenished, clean. Even the air- it's different.
The serenity of life has been magnified. And you feel like
an artist- no matter what your art. Inspiration comes
rushing in as the wound coagulates. You cover it up, you are
ashamed of it. Parnanoa is taking over and hypersensitive can't even
begin to explain the feeling that fills you when anyone gets
anywhere close to you . You think for i second... I wonder
if i am even living this life?

"there are no flowers, no not this time. there will be no
angels gracing the lines, just these stark words i find.
i'd show a smile, but i'm too weak. i'd share with you
could i only speak, just how much this hurts me"




Ad: