Jennifer

Exposed
2003-04-14 22:26:55 (UTC)

Confession

There are a few things that I haven't ever been able to
bring myself to tell anyone...at least not that I
remember. I need to get something off my chest though...see,when I
was younger I had some experiences with girls...I've kissed
and had a few other experiences with them..though I dont
remember whether the kiss was french or not...and why
would I because I have suppressed and ran from those
memories the best I could. All my life I have done my best
to forget that and the few other things we did and
everytime I would even begin to wonder if my past would be the same
as my future sexual preference I would
make myself think about something else because I didn't
want to come to terms with my past and I was always so
afraid to have same sex tendencies. Last night I let
myself really wonder and I got this really sick
feeling inside and I even thought I was gonna be
physically sick...I don't think I am. I guess I wouldn't
know until I kissed another girl or something...but maybe
I should wait until I have experiences with guys to
worry...I feel ashamed of what I did but I dont
know if that is because my family is against it or
because I am afraid to be...but I kinda want to know if it
was just experimentation or more. I like guys and I know
that because i've held the flame for one for years in
secret and even if I were slightly bi I don't think I would act on
it...I really don't know. I mean I am attracted to some
women and it's really hard for me to admit that I know that I am
erotically attracted toward women somewhat and that may be normal
but I dont know.It's not a half and
half thing at least it doesn't seem to be...probably like
a 3/4 straight to 1/4 not so straight but then again I haven't had
those experiences in a long time so I prefer to believe that I was
just experimenting...In the back of my mind I have pretty much
always known of this slight attraction to women but I think that
people can experiment without actually having lesbian tendencies and
I don't want to lie to myself but a lot of people
are "bicurious" but the difference between them and me is that I
have felt like this for most of my life and I don't feel some
uncontrollable pull towards women
but the possibility envokes a kind of fear in me that is rather
close to the one I possess of intimacy. I never wanted
anyone to know of my past experience and I don't even want to let
myself remember...I just wanna feel some closure.So I need to deal
with it and stop letting it haunt me because these
days "experimenting" is not too out of the ordinary but my family
would not be ashamed and upset and if my grandfather were alive
he would be the same way and I really love him so ofcourse
I don't like to remember, but I also don't want to hide from things
i've experienced in the past...but that cannot happen because some
things will go with me to the grave...




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