random scribbles
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2003-04-13 22:30:28 (UTC)

now, and again, it seems worse than it is >>

>> but mostly the view is accurate.

[music|i've never been so overcome]
[mood |with tears that i collaspe ]

{said it's not your fault, and you've been good to me}

had a really great weekend; went to shilton with dad and
jacob. jake's right, it's not as magical there as it used
to be, but considering we're much older now, that's no
great surprise.

we did lots of gardening, which was pretty backbreaking
work, but it felt good to help dad out. also, i stopped by
the graveyard. it was lovely and peaceful. it's so hard to
find a place in london where you can be completely alone,
but there i felt that i was.

so, there was peace to be found there, but of course,
sadness too. i can never get over how many people i know
have graves there - i mean, obviously everyone knows people
that have died, but it seems like they were all from
shilton. i mean there's pat mckenzie, david glennie,
margaret, and of course, mum.

my breath always catches in my throat when i see her grave.
it looks so inconsequential, and then you remember that for
every stone in that graveyard, there are a thousand stories
of hope and disappointment and love and desolation and
excitement and destruction to tell.

i wanted something great. because people walking by would
probably miss her stone, and i wanted them all to know how
amazing she was. the more i hear about her, the more i wish
i could have known all that stuff before it was too late. i
didn't even treat her well when she was dying. i have so
many regrets about that time - but i have been through that
before, and i refuse to get angry at myself again.

getting way too attached to a certain boy for my own good.
it's like, if he goes a day without getting in touch, i
feel really depressed. but luckily that doesn't happen too

i saw my little carlopie yesterday, too.
i miss him so bad.
i miss his smiles.
i miss his laughter.
i miss his "and if we smoked 2 joints, that was..."

i miss billy in that kinda gut wrenching - it hurts me so
much, and to look at him is for my world to flip right
over - way; but i miss carlo in that - he always knew what
to say to cheer me up, and i really envied the way he saw
life as so simple and hopeful - way.

he has that amazing gift of bringing a smile to everyone
who meets him.

[the saddest part is i still get caught in all]
[those day dreams of you ]

"i want
somone to invest everything in me and i want them to sit at
wondering if I'm thinking about them the way they are
thinking about me."

but, i am. though i know he's not. confusing?

punkanna: i feel like drinking games, definitely....but if
the beast isnt there we might be drinking more than
normal...not having anyone to point the fingure
at.........hmm....different drinking games