Welcome to own demise
2003-04-12 21:56:30 (UTC)


so um...... yea....

so i got off the phone with dave, and he told me he had
just talked to albert.... AND guess what...APPARENTLY,
albert went to a party or someshit and got fucked up and
ended up gettin with some girl. Ive been reassured that he
did NOT have sex, but apparently did everything else...

ive had such a depressing past few days im to the point
where i wanna get super wasted again. drink lots and pop
random pills... uppers downers id ont care. i wont tho. i
wont. i wont even smoke i wont!!!! i swear i wont!.

god it hurts so much tho. ive been thninkin a lot, and ya
know what why did i chenge my ways? for me? or for
everyone else? did i honestly think losing a lot of weight
would make albert want me any mnore? did i truly believe
that if i stayed true to my feelings regardless of his and
tried to purify myself inside and out that hed do the
same? i think i did. actually, im pretty sure i did. onve
again i do everything for the wrong reasons.

the only thing that kinda sucks is that i kinda pushed
away any possible dates i could have bc i pretty much
annouced that i was taken and everyone i know pretty much
knows my situation so blah.

im on the hunt for a prom date. since the only personi n
the world i wanted to go with coudlnt be bothered bc well
ill admit it it is an inconvience or however its
spelled... and the only person he doesnt want me to go
with is brent........ so who am i gona ask? yep brent.why
not im not gonna do anything with him, but he wont believe
me anyways.... lol hes not the only one who can play

i already have my dress picked out i just have to buy it,
and i know how im gonna do my hair, all i need now is a
date and an after party.

theres a guy here to hook up my dads tv and
whatnot......hes been here alll damned day. my dad said
hes gonna take me out to eat when he leaves, im not even
that hungry, but i do wanna eat, its bad...really really
bad. i dont want to eat. i dont. i dont i dont i dont!!!!

it hurts soooooo fucking bad...... no matter how hard i
work and how pretty i feel or look, ill never be good
enough for him. cocky bastard. i wish i wasnt so in love
with him.... maybe it wouldnt hurt so much.

times like these i wish i had friends.

i was thinking....... i miss my friends so much.. not even
like my ben's friends but my old friends.... olivia,
stephanie, kathryn, the 3 of us were always together in
like 6th grade. it was fun. i had friends. kathryn was the
1st friend i made at mca... bc of band. i dont really
remember how i got so close to steph, i think it was bc of
kathryn, i miss them so much. high school fucked us all
up. high school fucks everyone up. olivia and i have a
weird ass relationship..... we'll see each other MAYBE
once a year, but we'll always be super tight. we've never
fought its odd, but im thankful. i have no idea what
happened, esp. with me and steph we were real close and
now its like we're barely or
howveer its spelled. shes one of the funniest peopoe i
know in the world, i wish we still were cool like we were.
maya's one of my girls and shes always there to listen to
my stories but i never get to chill with her bc i dont
have a damhned fake. my ben's girls pssh forget it, NONE
of them ever hve time for me. ive noticed thqt a alot
lately..... i friends.. everyone is always
too busy for me... i guess its not soo bad, makes it
easier for me, wont be as hard for me when i go away to

im strongly thinkin bout moving to cali after highschool.
and ya know what, itsnot bc of albert. true hell be there,
but hes living his own life. ill be living mine. hell
still be one my best adn only friends regardless of what
happens with us romantically. so if anything ill have his
support if i need it, and hell always be right there ya
know. but other than that.... i dunno. i think i need to
get away from here.... threres really nothing here to stay
for.... so why should i? i still have bout ayear to think
bout it. but im pretty sure theres not much else to thinka
bout since all i ever do i think.... i think ive covered
all my bases.