thea

the semi-secret life of thea
2003-04-12 18:59:13 (UTC)

so my dad is curious

What's wrong with me. In the car he was like "so what's
wrong with thea lately? Why haven't you been happy, you
seem really mopey all the time". I just told him that it
was a stressful week and that i'm looking forward to the
easter holidays off from school. Lordy, i dont want him to
get curious about me.
So about the whole promise to stop si and be happy
thing: I'm scared, i just don't know. I'm going to miss
not having a blade to confide in when no one is there. It
might even lead to the end of this diary, if i'm happy then
i could just put it all in my normal one. I'm going to miss
those secretive long nights where i'd run up to my room,
fooling everyone with my disguise of happiness. I'm going
to miss bleeding, just to know that i can feel. I almost
feel like this is going to end all the secret conversations
with D too, i mean, if we're happy, what could we confide
in each other any more? There wouldn't be a point. No more
secret im's outside of chats to hide from everyone else who
things they know us. We're not going to lose that, are we?
It's going to be so strange, i just don't know. But I'm
almost going to miss just being miserable. As twisted as it
is, i love it when i'm depressed, and that's bad. I
shouldn't feel like that, ever, but i do. God i'm going to
miss that box. The blade who knows all my secrets, my
worries, regrets, mistakes, everything i'd just as soon not
show a soul. That's why i can trust the inhabitants of my
box, they'll never tell anyone. They can't feel, they can't
ask me to stop what i'm doing, they can't worry, they just
stay there for me, waiting to help ease the pain. Someone
to lean on, with out bringing them down. God, this is so
twisted. I hope this works out. I know it will.
Yeah, i'm one freaking loony, g'day to you and yours ~a
freak me

Yeah, so now that i'm trying to avoid thinking about cutting, i'm
concerned with food. I've been eating a lot of unhealthy stuff
lately. Not much food, but what i have been eating is really bad. So
new plan: reduce fat grams to 15/day instead of 30. Hey i cut the
normal 60g by half, why can't i cut the half by half? eh? Sounds good
to me. I'm going to try to eat more, but just make sure it's stuff
that's good for me. I want to eat healthier, not stupider...




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