squrlgyrl

change machines and apple trees
2003-04-12 17:55:54 (UTC)

i feel like my stomach is eating itself

i feel sick. i feel like im going to puke, but i don't
have anything even in me to puke up...i need to take my
meds soon, but i should have some food in me before i take
them---but the thought of eating makes my stomach even
more upset. last night was a very long night. after i
talked to joe'l i just kinda sat in my closte with lucy
until talia beep-beeped me to come get her. when i
actually got there tho, all this shit was going down about
someone shooting off a firecraker at some guy's suv. the
guys name was Chug, if you believe that....i hope thats
not what his birth certificate says---must have redneck
parents....anyways, turns out that luis actually shot off
the firecraker, but i didn't find that out until much much
later.....anyhow, chug was pissed off and wanted to beat
the guys ass that hit his truck....i very highly doubted
that he would swing on a girl, so i said that I lit the
firecraker.....(joe'l got mad at me when i told her
this...i don't really understand why)....i was in a bad
mood and i reallyb didn;t give a shit if him or his gf
beat the shit out of me....i just wanted them to go away.
so thats why i said i did it. tal stepped in and said i
really didn't do it, and i guess they believed the drunk
girl more than me.....anyways....they started breaking
stuff and trying to break down the door....so the police
got called......and long story short, i went to bed around
5 this morning and i didn't think it was possible but i
actually feel worse this morning than i did last night.
joe'l is mad at me for even going back over to
luis's...i went, dropped off tal and paul, and then came
home and called her....we talked about taking a break. she
always seems to be upset with me lately...i feel like
whatever i do is the wrong thing...i feel like no matter
what i do she is never going to be happy with me
again...this is how i really feel....when she talks to me
on the phone, or even online, i feel like she is just
putting up with me. like an annoying neighbor or a co-
worker that won't leave you alone....i don't understand
why she doesn't just break up with me...i doubt i can ever
make her happy again...i love joe'l...i love you joe'l...i
want to spend the rest of my life with you....im sorry




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