Inside A Mind Full Of Imagination
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2003-04-12 17:06:34 (UTC)

I guess I'm too late...

"J" has a girlfriend now. I guess I won't have a chance to
get together with hime anymore. Damn! Oh well, what can I
really do. Except... I know I'm gonee sound foolish here,
but... I've been wanting to tell him that my crush has
grown to liking, but now that he has a girlfriend, it puts
things in a different perspective. I mean, I still wanna
tell him, but I don't want him to think of anything of me
if I do tell him. So I'm not so sure about telling him that
I like him now. I'm actually kindda disappointed that he
has a girlfriend now, except of course, I didn't show it to
him while we were talking on the phone.

But I told him, that if I did tell him, I may not be able
to face him again. Which was why I sent him an email,
hinting him what I wanted to say. I just hope he figures it
out, but I doubt it. I had to tell him once about my crush
because he coudln't get my hint when I said "I can't tell
you ("J") because I'm talking to you (him)"... *sigh*

I know I said all those things about being a friend and
all, but... I was beginning to like him more and was hoping
that... you know. Well, now I've lost that lot all
together, except for the friendship thing, because I guess
he might still be wanting that.

Crap, this is totally depressing me a little. It reminds of
how guarded I am from liking guys. In other words, instead
of falling easily in love (or like), I imagine I have a
door in my chest/heart which can open up when I want to, to
allow me to... er... connect and communicate more with a
guy. Even though with "J" I've been pretty comfotable with
him, I still kept myself back so as I don't get
disappointed or get hurt or... fall in love. I know that's
what I've wanted for a long, long time, but... falling in
love with "J" might not turn out to be the one thing I
really, really wanted and could end up in heartache. So
now... *sigh*

I think I have some commitment problem. I don't know.
Commitment problem as in... I'm picky, I want the right
one, I don't wanna get hurt... I get crushes a lot and they
fade after a while... Now I'm confused. So I should go and
think more over this. I know I don't have hope with "J"
anymore... but, I'm beginning to have a habit of brooding a
little. Oh well...