squrlgyrl

change machines and apple trees
2003-04-12 04:37:03 (UTC)

break?......rock bottom......someone help me

i don't even know where to start......i don't know what to
do with myself....im scared of what i might do....i know
where i have razors and pointy things, and sharp
objects...but the only thing, person, keeping me from
doing anything right now is knowing that if joe'l found
out i'd cuut myself, she would stay with me just b/c i
have this problem.. and i don't want her to stay with me
out of pity.....im so mad i want to scream....im crying,
and im sad, and im alone,,,,i just want to die right
now...i want everything to stop. i don't to go to school,
i don;t want to have to deal with my parents...i don't
want to deal with anything....i think im just going to
make a lil bed in my closet and curl into a ball and go to
sleep....i'll leave my phone on so talia can call me when
she needs a ride home......I HATE MYSELF!!! i should have
been the dumdass that fell 7 stories---except i'd make
sure i'd land on the concrete, no bushes to break my fall.
i did always want to be able to fly. falling is almost
like flying....close enough. i know joe'l is going to read
this, and i know shes going to be worried about me...i
can't even begin to explain whats going on in my head
right now....im so scared of what would come out if i
tapped into my brain right now.....im scared of myself.

joe'l: im so sorry for what i did to you. you're first
reaction was probably the right one...you deserve better
than me. you deserve someone you can trust. you can't
trust me right now....maybe some day you will be able to
again.....i just don';t know what to do until that day. im
sorry i hurt you...i hurt us. i love you hun....goodbye




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