Mirror's Infinity
2003-04-11 04:20:18 (UTC)

Long time

Well its been a long long while. I dont know if its even
worth doing this any more but the nag mail at a time when I
was feeling down seem to be some sort of sign. If I recap
I prolly wont have the energy to write about what is buggin
me now but here it goes..
Drew and I broke up.... gosh like 2 years ago... Marc and
his boyfriend moved in with me in my apartment ...drew
stayed with me briefly there until he found a place. Marc
and his boyfriend then (we will call him Duff) started to
have problems with me.. and moved out unexpectedly about
november of 2001.. we moved into the apartment in july.
When I say unexpectedly... I was in a play.. went to the
play.. came home and they were gone. However, a few months
before I met a really nice guy.. chris.. he has become one
of my best friends. He moved in as my roommate in December
of 2001. He was just coming out.. so I helped with that.
Drew eventually found his own apartment but couldn't afford
it and eventually moved to columbus with his
parents..around christmas he got a new boyfriend...I dated
a little... but many ppl I dated were really after Chris I
came to find out and were using me to get nearer to him. I
was also at the time cause Drew was really gone.. sort of
pathetic I know. I made him a really sappy CD..and we
talked occasionally during that time. Drew seemed very
happy with his new bo' cause he would actually go out with
him and do stuff.. which sort of pissed me off since that
is what I so long for with him. Well, they broke up in Feb
or March of 2002...His new bo' was also his boss so he lost
his job when they broke up also. In a couple of months he
would come back to live with chris and I .. but only as a
friend. I mean we still have some elements of our old
relationship... some affections.. but no sex.
Ironically, the night Marc moved out I had Chris (who
hadn't moved in yet), Brian (another friend), Nick come
over and we had a lil party... Chris and Brian drank.. Nick
didn't cause he didn't want to and I wouldn't let
him ...well cause he needed to be sober. But anyways.. we
had a little party that somehow resulted in 3 of the 4 of
us naked. Chirs and Brian were basically having sex... and
I was... pleasuring nick.. that was the start of my love
for Nick.. well it started before that.. but that was the
start of the physical. Nick and I had at that time an
on/off sort of physical relationship... I wanted and want
more from him.. but the age difference.. well more
accurately the stage of life difference is too much for him
right now. I accept that he needs to grow into himself...
and I still very much alone... will prolly be waiting..
I started off the last paragraph with "Ironically.." well
it was ironic because.. September of 2002 Marc comes back
into my life... he would eventually break up with Duff..
and I would find out the real reason he left in such a
hurry.. I can't however say on here...its too personal for
them. Lets just say Duff had a problem... that endangered
Marc. Marc eventually had the strength to leave.
Anyways.... Nick and I had an off again/on again
relationship ... sometimes he would get so stressed he
wouldn't talk to me for a few weeks at a time...this really
tortured me.. cause my feelings for him are strong and
enduring... and that seems weird to say cause you all are
reading a synopsis and it seems I float from one to the
next...but anyways... Nick finally comes out in
September .. and our relationship blossoms again.. He meets
Marc... they start liking each other... I am tortured
defeated and the closest to utter despair I have ever been
in. So I have to endure Marc and Nick dating for about 8
weeks... ironic.. cause the night Marc left me the first
time.. was the night that Nick and I began our whirlpool
So, now Marc and Nick have parted.. I got through it with a
couple of emotional scars.. Marc and I are still friends...
Nick is still my friend... and secret something else sort
of.. its weird. Anyways....I am still in love with Nick..
Marc is less close... mostly his own doing.. and that he
sort of hurt Nick. Marc still likes nick.. but can't be
with him so doesn't try. (fool). I still cann't be with
nick.. cause he still has some growing to do.. but our
friendship strengthed with Marc.... I love him.. he knows
it. He loves me in his own special way. Even told me I
was one reason he had the strength to come out. He and
Drew (who lives me and chris remember) will be moving into
a new place. Chris is leaving town to go to school else
where.. we will miss him. Nick has a crush on chris
anyways.figures. So, im the one that not many think about
often.. but they would miss me when im gone that is for
certain. I love them all.. but I dont always feel its
returned in kind. Nick still tortures me...I think he
likes the power over me... He starting to say negative
things about himself. That makes me sad.. cause I think he
is really great.. so much to fill in.. this such the
surface. but im tired already. Till later maybe.