neverthesame

forever changing
2003-04-09 23:27:40 (UTC)

grrrrr

it has not been that long since the last time i wrote but
still stuff has happened. i have been e-mailing stephan
back and forth almost everyday and he has been helping me
with my insomnia. today i was talking with laura and i told
her that i was starting to get over matt which really i
think i am, and when we were talking she told me that matt
says that i am purposely trying to lay a guilt trip on him.
i think it might have been because of that e-mail and i
know that he has seen it because i know he has been online
since i wrote it and honestly i am not trying to lay any
guilt trip on anyone. the way i see it he has nothing that
he is guilty of. if the anwser is no he never loved me the
only thing he is guilty of is lieing to me and making me
beleive he loved me. i don't think he is goin to give me a
response and i still have no idea whether or not he really
loved me. and he is still avoiding me at least that is what
it seems like but now i am not even goin to worry about it
if he wants to ignore me or do whatever fine i am through
giving a damn i know there is no way we will ever be
together again i am through hoping fo ranything to exsist
between us. in the begining i thoughti t was a dream i
would wake up from and it will not have really happened but
now i see that it wasn't a dream and even the sweetest
dreams have dark endings at least my dreams do. becky wrote
a poem about when she and nate broke up and i can relate to
it very well because just like nate was her first love matt
was mine. the poem goies like this:
the day you hurt me

the day you hurt me will forever
be engravede in my mind
the pain will always be there
i'll never look at yo the same
i say that im okay
i tell you i don't love you
but there is a part of me
that will always belong to you
you own a peice of my heart
you always will
there are no words to explain
the way i feel
i love you
i hate you
these feelings will not go away
no matter how hard i try
im over you but not completely
its going to take a while
you were my first love
why did you do this to me
i thought you loved me
i need ot get over you
its better for me

and that is the poem. it really expresses some of my
feelings but. . . i don't know . . . not completely i don't
think any one thing could explain what i feel toward matt
along with what i did feel and how strong it wasis and i
dunno i just want to move on asap i hate being stuck and i
cant seem to finde the damn ladder to get myself out of
this god forsaken hole!!!!