Kinarra

Diary of an American Witch
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2003-04-09 06:49:02 (UTC)

As one foolish mortal to another

Yeah, yeah, it's been awhile, and I really should have
written more, because I have been sorting out things and
going on a spiritual journey, so to speak, but I just
haven't been able to put my thoughts down in words yet. Not
until now.

Once upon a time, I decided that it was time to take a look
at myself, to take stock, and change what I didn't like.
And I was doing pretty well too, and then Jamie came along
and things got complicated and the whole process went down
the drain. Well, now Im back, and I am stronger than the
storm.
I am doing my sit ups and my yoga and my Tai Chi in the
mornings, and my time in meditation has served me well. My
belief in the Goddess is renewed. The air that I breathe is
the breath of the mother, it is the breath that sustaines
us, it is the breath that keeps us alive. I feel strong
now. Every day I sit in my meditation and say "well
Mother, what are you going to teach me today?" Mostly she
teaches me about myself, she shines a light in all the dark
corners of my soul, and shows me that I cannot fear my
flaws. Every day I win a small battle in the war with my
self confidence.
Yesterday I realized something extraordinary, I deserve to
be loved. Not "I want to be loved." not "I need to be
loved" But, I deserve to be loved, and if I have to wait,
if I have to hold out, and make hard choises, in order to
find the person that I deserve to be with, then so be it.

And that person won't be Jamie. It's not fair to him or me
to keep this fractured, psuto relationship going. It's
like an open wound that we won't let heal, and it's not
healthy for either of us.

I realized something else, it's not up to me to heal him.
It's not up to me to protect his feelings. If he wants to
have relationships with 17 year old girls (he's 22 by the
way) then he can. And yes, I know it will always end up
the same way, and yes, I know that it will just make him
bitter, but that's his mistake to make, I can't waste my
energy trying to protect him anymore.

This is hard for me. I hate seeing people get hurt, and I
really hate it when I know the solution to their problems,
and they don't take my advice, but this is one of those
things that I have to do. i have to step back, no matter
how many times I watch them hurt themselves, because it's
not my fight, and Im only hurting myself trying to help
them.

I have to tell Jamie that it is over for good. Strangely,
I think he will agree with me, things have been changing
between us lately. But even if he is actually hurt by it, I
won't go back, I won't fall into that trap of trying to
heal him again. I won't let him twist my words, and my
wants, and my feelings, until I feel guilty for wanting to
be treated with honesty, and respect. I deserved to be
treated with honesty and respect, I finally understand that
I deserve that.
And I am not scared of the future. I am not scared of
being alone. Fear is the storm, and I am stronger than the
storm.


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