Lauren

The Crazy, Mixed-Up World I Call Life
2003-04-08 22:55:06 (UTC)

Holy SHIT...

Why are humans not made immortal? It would save so many
the pain that death causes. I looked into the eyes of so
many people this past weekend and saw there only disbelief
and despair. Shane... not Shane... never him. He was the
happy guy, the one who always made you laugh, the one who
always gave me advice about guys... stupid advice, but it
was funny! The guy who used to pick me and Sarah up at
work sometimes, or after school... there were even times
when he picked just me up when my parents couldn't get
there. I remember his eyes, how kind and happy they were,
he always looked like he was smiling. His hair was always
messy, but that was just Shane. He was just so full of fun
and everybody loved him.
Then why, oh why... why did he do this? Kill himself...
Shane, what were you thinking? Oh my GOD... I can't
believe it, even now. I cried yesterday, I was fighting
back tears today all day in school. I can't imagine what
Sarah and Sharon and Krista and Katie and Martin must be
going through right now... Jesus Christ, it kills me to
see Sarah break down into tears and just talk about Shane
and everything he used to do. It's unbelievable, almost
like a dream - or rather, a nightmare is more fitting. I
remember making his iced coffee. Large French Vanilla with
2 creams and 5 sugars. I always used to make fun of him
because he was always debating about whether he wanted 1,
2, or 3 creams in his coffee. I always gave him 2, and he
never complained. God, he wanted kids!! Why didn't he just
stay for that? He was so good with Arianna and Biagio, he
loved them, but he wanted kids of his own, we could all
see it. Why, Shane?? I want to know why... I don't
understand why people want to take their own lives. I just
couldn't imagine it. I'm scared to die. Why make it sooner
than it has to be. Oh, God, Shane... Oh my GOD... I've
never heard my mom scream like that. Like when she found
out. I can hear it in my head. I can see my dad's face. I
can see everyone crying, I couldn't cry. Not till the next
day. And then it hit me that Shane was gone. Holy shit.
He's DEAD... OH MY GOD!!!!
I wandered around the halls all day aimlessly, not even
knowing where I was going. I don't know how I made it
through the day. There was the normal gossip with Jen
about Kevin and whether he likes me or not and the endless
explanation about me liking John and NOT Kevin... but
whatever. I'm getting a 'C' in chemistry. The highlight of
my day. It's fucking better than an 'F', that's for sure.
Then I came home. Called John. He picked up the phone and
he sounded so upset. I knew something was wrong right
away. I've never heard him cry before... but he cried
today. God it nearly broke my heart, I felt so bad and I
wanted to be there for him but I didn't know what to
say... I'm not going to say here why he was upset, because
I'm sure he doesn't want the whole world knowing about
it... but I want to help him and I don't know how. I just
want to be there with him and give him a hug and tell him
everything is going to be alright, for both of us. We'll
both get through this. All of it. It's just a matter of
time.
I can't write anymore now. Maybe more later...




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