Jennifer

Exposed
2003-04-08 22:15:49 (UTC)

Losing

It's crazy how so many emotions can just hit you all at
once...Today I am filled with regrets...regrets for what I
wish I had done and regret for what might have been...I
saw two people that I really care about after school and
in a rare instance I actually felt it...I haven't been
feeling much besides anger lately and I was beginning to
think that I couldn't feel much good at all. I knew I
cared somewhere deep down inside but it was as struggle to
feel it. Now I am feeling all this remorse and fear
because there isn't much time left and I don't know how to
fix everything and I want to so much but I'm lost and I am
beginnig to lose control...I am don't avoid many things
out of concern for personal safety...Sometimes I think it
would be easier to just forsake all responsibility and
just do and say what I want without regard for others but
I have this conscience that aches if I even unintenionally
make someone feel bad. Sometimes I would do just about
anything to numb the pain...it's all I ever seem to feel.
One of my biggest regrets was switching schools last
year...it's destroyed my life in so many ways and somehow
I lost my best friend and I miss her...I don't think I
have trusted anyone as much since and the rest of the
people I love as well I am not as close to as I would like
to be. Theres more to that regret but I wont say because
someone from that school may read this and feel awful and
I dont want that. Truth is sometimes I can't feel anything
for anyone...I'm just empty. I haven't been truly happy in
a long time and I want that back...but thats easier said
that done.




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