Jams

Lesbian....Yes!
2003-04-07 09:38:30 (UTC)

The weekend in general

Was very relaxing and nice. I am not looking forward to
starting my week tomorrow just because I was getting use
to the R&R. But gotta make that cash and bring home the
bacon, so to speak. I guess burgers is more up my alley.

Nothing really exciting happened excpet going to see
Chicago and breaking open my "Felicity" DVD to watch. I
forgot how much that show made me feel and think. It may
sound pretty stupid cause it's "just a show" but sometimes
tv speaks to me. Like movies that mean something, ya know?
Movies that make you think or feel for a period of time
and take you away from real life for a bit. This show
actually does that and then I bring questions from it to
my life. Anwyays.

So I sent out an email to the girls to maybe hook up for
lunch this week but I think it won't happen because we
have been taking a break from one another and kind of
doing our own thing since Vegas. I don't know I kind of
hate down time sometimes but I know it's part of life. I
guess maybe I am way too dependant on people. Co Dependant
I guess you can say. Yeah.

So once again on this subject because I am so obsessed
with it and think it into the freaking ground: Devon.

I was kind of thinking about my like for her and wondering
to myself...Why? How come she is the one right now? Where
do these types of feelings pop up for my friends? I mean,
how come it is that she is who I fawn over day after day?
Who I wish would call me sometimes just to say hello. Who
I wish would give me a itsy bitsy chance to show her that
I am not so bad. Then it never hit why because I am still
thinking it. I still haven't figured out why I do this to
myself everytime I meet someone new and fun and nice and
friendly. I am such a dumb ass..

Case in point: I was talking to Meghan the other day and I
think I had mentioned something about not liking my
affection for my friends because of past mistakes. I
thought about it afterwards and felt like a compete idiot
for saying that to her of all people because I blatantly
called her my mistake. I swear sometimes when we talk I
just want to be mean to her and have her hate me so that I
could get her out of my mind. Not stop being my friend but
for me to stop caring for her in that way. It's been how
long now??? She was by far my favorite mistake though
because I wanted her and I was willing to move for her.

Yeah so sometimes I go off about random shit like this and
other things pop up. But in reality, I was her mistake. I
was the bitch who convinced her to like me. I was the one
who was mean to her during my visit. I was the one who
still harbored feelings for her and used it to cause all
sorts of drama between us. It was all me and I feel like
an ass for it. Now here's Devon who I totally adore as a
person and friend and I go and mess it up by telling her I
like her or whatever. I am stupid. And in all honesty, I
so want to talk to her about it all but I know it will do
nothing but cause friction between us and I dont think I
canhandle that again. Why can't I just be a normal woman
with normal likes and thoughts???

Well, whatever I can't change it and I certainly don't
want to pushit any more and mess up yet another
friendship. Although the other me wants to address it and
let her know what I am really thinking. I could just let
her read this and really get myself into loads of
wierdness with her. I don't know, advice anyone???




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