Paranoid

GrassAttack
2003-04-07 00:51:12 (UTC)

youll be my only...my one and only...

i love this song.hmmmhmmmhmm hmmmhmmmhmm. yes. and
headstrong, by trapt.thats a good one too. anyway, today.
yeah, ill tell you aboot today.

ive been thinking a lot. my mind has been relatively
clear today, i havent had a single pill. soo... what have i
been thiking aboot? life, i guess. what ireally want to do
with my life. im sick of being a loser. im sick of always
being depressed. i know most of this is probably my fault...
is it? i dont know, i dont really feel like analyzing all
my problems right now. i feel like talking aboot
revalations and solutions.

ok. so today, i just realized what makes me happy.
besides for my friends. i depend entirely too much on them,
even if it doesnt seem like it. i am a relatively
independant person, and i LIKE being alone. so why have i
felt the need to be around my friends so much lately? okokok
im not going to think aboot that right now.

but i realized what some of the things that really make
me happy are. religion. not like going to church, and stuff
like that. not like practicing it, necassarly. but LEARNING
aboot it. it fascinates me. i could sit here for hours and
read aboot it. i could talk aboot it for hours. i love
reading the bible and debating whether or not i agree.
trying to pick apart the stories to find a moral or hidden
meaning.

mythology. in a way i guess it could be considered a type
of religion. so thats more of a branch off the above.

sunshine and warmth. hot places. ive been trying to tell
myself that im not changing, that the number one place i
still want to go to is france. its not. i dont know where
it is anymore...but its not france.

animals. i love animals and have been REALLY wanting to
go to the zoo.

id like to admit somethings here as well. i lie to
myself. i think i lie to myself more than i lie to any
other one person. i dont think its healthy and i would
never admit that to somebody like a doctor or my mother. i
dont know if i can even EXPLAIN it. but i know that its
true.

sigh. i love other stuff. but now i have lost interest in
writing this. why do i always have to force myself? i will
NOT hate my life any longer.




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