2003-04-07 00:12:31 (UTC)

take this spike and drive it through my heart

today = sit at home, do nothing, go to get frozen yogurt
with katie moore (prom date) and then i came home and then
skated with keene and chris. kinda boring, but fun at the
same time. the skating part. nothing really new, just
bored so i thought i'd update this. tommorrow is cutaway's
(a ska band from around here, some of my friends are in
it) last show. so it'll be fun, plus big d and the kids
table will be there and they are mucho bueno. so nothing i
can think of to write about. if i think of something, or
something comes up before the night is over i'll refresh
this entry with that.
back...i realize two minutes ago how vulnerable i am at the moment.
i thought i had overcome the feeling of overall downess. well i
didn't it was just hidden, i understand why too. once i got drugs in
my system i was perfectly fine. so now i look like some lame ass cus
i have to use drugs to not be depressed. i feel like shit now. just
writign that makes me hate myself. people usually ask themselves
why. well if you're asking yourself a question chances are you dont
know the answer. skip the bullshit, i dont know why and i'm not
going to ask, nor am i going to look for help in my friends because
in the end everyone is here for themselves and anything good can be
overcome by evil intentions and i'm not trusting anyone with this.
it's nothing but just the attempt to "help". no my problem, my
solution. so for now, i'll get myself into some sort of drugs and
feel better for that little time before sadness comes back. then off
to more drugs. it's how people get addicted. and dont give me the
you dont know what it's like to be addicted...i was addicted to
pills over xmas break. sleeping pills, a friend of mine and me took
a bunch of pills like 4 or 5 nights in a row and then decided to
take a break for one night...we didn't fall asleep very easy, we
were shaking and sweating like pigs. being addicted sucks, but so
does being depressed. it's a decision you have to make. take the
easy way out, drugs and in the long run be worse off or just fight
through it with the "help" of others and be good in the future. well
i'm too stubborn to ask anyone so i'll take the easy dumb way out.
now i'm not being very rational right now because i feel so
vulnerable i'm becoming defensive so dont take any of this as the
absolute final decision. but this is how i feel...now i must go
listen to depressing music that describes how i'm feeling because it
just seems to make so much more sense.

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