McKaY

McKayism: Everything, Anything & Nothing
2003-04-07 00:10:56 (UTC)

WARNING: high stress level

mom was examining my hair, found a lot of white hair
according to her. i am not surprised. i guess i would be
surprised if she said i have less which is never, i repeat,
NEVER the case.

it's like i haven't written in here for so long and then
the first posting after like whenever is "high stress
level." neat.

for a moment, i was thinking i should keep an optimistic
view and mood for just one day and see how it'd turn out
despites all the crap going on. it's kinda really freakin
hard to do when you wake up everyday feeling like crap.

"don't worry about it" is always one of the things i hate
ppl telling me when they can't do shit to help me and yet
also one of the things i wanna hear. i think ppl should be
careful when they say that. if you can't provide
that "relax n don't worry" result to others, pls don't give
others (esp me) false hope. i thought i can be "semi-off-
the-hook," obviously not. i really do wish i can just drop
dead right now. blahhhh... i think right now i'm to the
point i don't have strenght to get piss n start going off.
i'm just like........ whatever, kill me now.

so i've been wondering how responsible am i? my conclusion
is that basically everything i got my stupid self involved
in, pretty responsible, always aiming for 100. but then
when i flip it around, i realized that i tried to be
responsible and is responsible for all these things EXCEPT
being a daughter. i feel like i just left them. probably
i spend more time w/ non blood related people more often
then i do with them. well, let's not get to relatives, but
just w/in me, bros, mom n dad, us 5. i did a very crappy
job. i feel really really bad and not just to them, also
to ppl who tell me how much they dislike their parents. i
truly believe deep down inside, no matter how much you hate
them, i think you can find love for them. instead of
judging how many "bad" things they did to you, maybe you
should just stop and think of the good things. if you
can't, i really don't know what to say. i guess either you
didn't look hard enough or you're just stubborn.

anywho, i feel like i can't breath. it's been like that,
but i think it's getting worst. used to have nervous
breakdowns during jr yr, definitely not the best feeling
one can ever get. but thinking now n jr yr, jr yr was
nothing compared to now. too much problems/issues -
family, school, work, more work, personal, country. what
more can you get?...

in the mood for the "evil" deed.




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