daccn

I am not a clerk
2003-04-06 23:05:39 (UTC)

flattery and character flaws

It's time for some masturbatory self-analysis, and on the
off-chance that anyone is reading this, I can assure you it
will be dull (more on that later).

I mentioned to someone that I enjoy buying expensive
cosmetics from department-store counters not so much for
the makeup itself, but for the flattery and attention I get
from the salesgirls who are trying to make their 4%
commission (or however much they get). I am purchasing
attention, essentially, and this is not an admirable
personality trait. I'm quite familiar with this behavior
from working in retail, seeing the women lament their
various foot problems in the hope of garnering some
attention and perhaps some sympathetic comments.

By contrast, I get a little uncomfortable receiving
compliments from people who know me better. A friend of
mine, Greta, tells me sometimes that I am a wonderful and
fascinating person, and that she it writing a novel about
me. This makes me distinctly uneasy, because I get the
feeling that she wouldn't say or think things like that
about me if she knew what kind of person I really am. If
someone tells me I'm mature, I think about all the vanity
and internal drama I indulge in; if they tell me I'm smart,
I think about how lost I feel writing political-type
papers, and how many evenings I spend playing mind-numbing
computer games. It feels wrong and even deceitful to accept
such compliments, and I'm terrible at being gracious about
it.

With the makeup saleswomen, there are no implications
whatsoever. I know they are saying things and fawning over
me for the sole purpose of selling me cosmetics, and I am
more than happy to go along with it. This is not the case
with people who know me, because besides wondering if they
have some ulterior motive in giving them, I wonder if I
have been less than honest in giving them such a positive
impression of me.

I like to think that I am fully aware of my multitude of
faults, but at the same time I like to think of myself as
an intelligent, talented, and fascinating person. I am
afraid of how I would cope if I stopped believing these
things. I belong to several discussion groups and mailing
lists, and always refrain from participating out of fear of
the reaction of the other members, fear that I will be
shown to be less interesting and intelligent than I had
thought. What if I have, in the end, nothing of value to
say?

Shy yet attention-starved, vain yet indulgently self-
doubting, self-confident but deeply terrified that it's all
just a sham.

(I would insert some desperately negative comment here, but
the self-loathing itself would be cause for more self-
loathing).

What I need is someone who knows all these things about me,
and still thinks I am brilliant.

But could I ever respect someone like that? (kidding.)

(mostly.)




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